There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.She looked down … and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device… a vibrator … soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.She goes completely ballistic. You impotent bastard, she screamed at him, how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: Ill explain the toy… if you explain the kids.
A man asked his wife, What would you most like for your birthday?
She said, Id love to be ten again.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?
One eye opened and she groaned, Actually, honey, I meant dress size!
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and letthe plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jumpon again, and so on…
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look andact exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you aregently but firmly told that you dont need to know, dont want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easybaggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutesin the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Yo mama so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the couch…
New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered t
According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. Our flag symbolizes our taxes, he said. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them. Thats the same with us, the American said, only we see stars, too!
Banta: “Yaar Santa, last night I had a wonderful dream, I saw I was getting married.â€
Santa: “Last night I also had a wonderful dream. I saw I was getting divorced.â€
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If its up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think wed be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you wont dress like the Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
46. What the hell is a doily?
I made this up while attending a party where the average IQ was on the order
of that of a small ball of lint. As you probably guessed, I left early.
Top 10 disqualifiers for consideration of relational status:
10. Uses party as a verb.
9. Knows all the words to Why Dont We Get Drunk and Screw?
8. Considers Whooooo! a valid form of expressing approval
7. Thinks quark plasma is a party drink
6. Hair mass > brain mass
5. Thinks electron transfer is a new dance step popularized by the New
Kids on the Block
4. Thinks Dr. Spock has cute pointy ears
3. Has accepted more drinks than IQ, and still isnt drunk
2. Isnt expecting to go home tonight, but is hoping for a ride in the
morning
1. Needs pronunciation guide to read the television listings
A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The rabbi explains: I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to God.
The priest then adds: I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs.
The televangelist then proclaims: I also use the same method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants, he can take.