Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kipper!
Kipper who?
Kipper hands to yourself!

How do you get an [ethnic] down from a tree?

– You cut the rope.

Because at 69 they blow a rod…

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that youve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Havent I always been the good wife? Ive cooked for you, raised your children, and Ive always been by your side for thirty-five years. What havent I done to make you happy?

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, Its true, Sadie, youve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You dont moan when we have sex!

If I moaned when we had sex, youd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.

As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, Now, Morris, should I moan now?

No, not yet.

Morris begins fondling Sadie. What about now? Should I moan now? No, Ill tell you when, he says.

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.

Is it time for me to moan, Morris?

Wait, Ill tell you when.

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells, Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!

OY! You wouldnt believe what a day I had!

(From: JIM DAMICO DTN: 261-3257)

Forms for NH and MA

Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire

NAME:

ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
White ( )

TYPE OF CARS OWNED:
Pickup Truck ( )
You dont own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder ( )
Playboy air freshener ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
Ex-wife in trunk ( )
If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns ( )
Bush/Quayle ( )
Shit Happens ( )
If you dont like my driving, get off the sidewalk ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( )

FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Pro-life ( )

Total given to these causes in the last 12 months:

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Grass ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?:
(check all that apply)
Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Dont Care ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
NRA ( )

How Automatic Weapons do you own?

5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( )

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( )

Application for Permission to Live in Massachusetts

NAME:
(extra space left due to new social awareness)

ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
Eskimo ( ) American Indian ( ) Hispanic ( ) Asian ( )
African-American ( ) American-African ( ) Black-American ( )
Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males ( )
(specify, so we can help you form a political action group)

TYPE OF CARS OWNED (pick two):
SAAB ( ) Volvo ( ) BMW ( ) Mercedes ( ) Honda ( )

You dont own any American cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Blaupunkt ( ) Passport ( ) Escort ( ) Vuarnet Sunglasses ( )
Stash ( ) CD ( ) Cellular Phone ( ) Ski Rack ( )
Bicycle Rack ( ) Wine Rack ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
You cant hug a child with nuclear arms ( ) Greenpeace ( )
Dukakis/Bentsen ( ) Save the Whales ( ) Farms not Arms ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Gay ( ) Lesbian ( ) Other ( )
(note: failure to give the proper answer to the above means you cant
live in certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress)

FAVORITE CAUSE: Whales ( ) Baby Seals ( ) Snail Darter ( )
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months:

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Kittys Diet Plan ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?:
(check all that apply)
The Bomb ( ) Handguns ( ) All guns ( ) Nuclear Power ( )
Cigarettes ( ) The NRA ( ) Republicans ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE LEGALIZED?:
(check all that apply)
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Needles ( )
Flag Burning ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Samuel Adams ( ) Becks ( ) Corona(w/lime) ( )
Latest trendy brand ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Ted Kennedy ( ) John Kennedy ( ) Bobby Kennedy ( )
Joe Kennedy ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
ACLU ( ) Greenpeace ( ) SDS ( ) N.O.W. ( ) A.F.S.C.M.E ( )
Billy Bulger Breakfast Club ( ) Provincetown Boys Club ( )
Bull-dykes Kennel Club ( )

Even though we cant ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec, dont
you think that Seabrook should remain closed forever? YES ( )

Dont you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping acid
rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that they all lose
their jobs? YES ( )

How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo?
100W ( ) 200W ( ) More than that ( )

How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long New
England summers?: 2 ( ) 3 ( ) 4 ( ) Central Air ( )
(note: Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state
subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat)

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Thirtysomething ( )

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with truth.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they
do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving
into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth
and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to
increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyles Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of
the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

Case 1: If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell
breaks loose.

Case 2: If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during
my freshman year, it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you and
take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual
relations with her, then case 2 cannot be true.

Thus, hell is exothermic.

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331

1 to change the light bulb and to post on the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add Me Too.

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the Me Toos to say, Me Three.

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon says, No, I really think file clerks are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon chimes in with, You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.

(Darkness. Sunrise breaks across the edge of the
Warner Water Tower.)

Yakko: (v.o.) The Babbling-On Project was our last, best
hope for peace.

Wakko: Pizza!?

Yakko: Later. A water tower five miles long… well,
actually, fifty feet high, but arent these
perspective shots great?

(Incredibly fast camera motion down to the base of the Tower,
long, l-o-n-g perspective wide-angle, then hard fast zoom up
into Yakkos left nostril.)

Yakko: Hey, come on! Im trying to be dramatic here.

Dot: Let us know how it works out.

Yakko: It was the dawn of the Third Age of Toonkind… the
year the Turner War came upon us all.

(Stock footage of Betty Boop and Koko the Clown, cringing in
terror as they are painfully colorized.)

Yakko: The year is 1995. The name of the place… is
Babbling-On Forever.

Wakko: Shouldnt we save that name for the third movie?

Yakko: Only if we replace Bruce Boxleitner with Val Kilmer.

Dot: Hes so cu-u-ute!

All: (singing) Its time for Bab-y-lo-ni-acs!

Science Fiction to the max!

Wakko: Someone wrote this song before —

Yakko: Might as well do it once more —

All: Were Bab-y-lo-ni-acs!

Tonights episode: The Long Struggle with the Enquirer, or A Night
Falls In Brooklyn

(Captains office. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot sit around a table
playing a card game.)

Yakko: I bid two purple.

Wakko: Two green.

Dot: Two no scarf.

(Following shot of well-reverbed boots and a walking-stick.
The boots stop in the doorway of the Captains office.)

Voice: Ollo, mon.

(Captains office. All look up in surprise.)

Voice: Is dis de office of Capn Yakko Sheridan?

Yakko: It isnt the Satellite of Love. Whore you?

Voice: I will ask de questions ere.

(Starting at boots, pan up to see a Victorian Englishman…
with the head of a Disney shellfish.)

Sebastian: I am… Sebastian.

Yakko: That wacky Smith. Always riding the ragged edge of
Michael Eisners legal team.

Sebastian: De Vorlons ave sent me. I am… an Enquirer.

Wakko: I can see that. Youre not as garish as the Weekly
World News.

Sebastian: No! … I am ere to test your worthiness.

(Y, W & D as accountants going over their records.)

Yakko: Well, lets see. After the last renegotiation,
and taking into account audio-video royalties and
ancillary licensing…

Sebastian: NOO! I am here to ask: Who are you?

Dot: … Dorothy, the Small and Meek?

Sebastian: Insufficient answer.

Dot: Well, take it up with my birth certificate.

(She whips out her B.C., with an adorable photo at age .02 and
the words Name: Dorothy Warner; Size: Small; Temperament: Meek.)

Sebastian: (examining certificate) Saaay. Youre really
cute in dot one. (does a take) Hey! Dots not
what I meant!

Dot: But Dots what you said!

Yakko: Ohh, no, you dont. Were not gonna do any more
cheap accent jokes than we have to. As to who we
are… Captain Yakko Sheridan, at your service.

Wakko: Mister Wakkobaldi, on your tail. (He stands on
the tail of Sebastians suitcoat, flipping him
backwards onto his shellfishy butt.)

Sebastian: YeeOWCH!

Dot: (throws herself into his arms) And Im Commander
Ih-Dotti-va… in your dreams.

Sebastian: Shoo! Shoo! Get away!

Yakko: (clicks comlink) Dr. Franklinstiff, could you get
down here, please?

Doc: (v.o.) Zhuure, Kap-tin. Vhat do you haff forh me?

Yakko: I think an entree.

(Ralph the Guard appears in the doorway. He has a black
arm band.)

Ralph: Daaa… Capn, uhh, the, uh, Centauri ambassador,
Lobe-Oh Mole-Nearly, an his attach-ee, Veer Left,
are here to see ya.

Wakko: Fort Attach-ee: The Bronx?

Yakko: Close enough to Brooklyn for me. Send em in, Zack.

Ralph: Daaa… okay.

Dot: Zack, are you wearing that black arm band because
youre part of that creepy Night Watch program that
Earthdome has started?

Ralph: Ohh, no, Im wearin dis because of dey cancelled
My So-Called Life.

Dot: Given your so-called life, Im not surprised.

(In come Pinky and The Brain, both stunning in purple and
bad hair.)

Brain: Captain Sheridan, as ruler of the Centauri Empire —

Yakko: Wait a minute, Lobe-oh! When did that happen?
Last episode, you were just an ambassador!

Brain: I was able to leverage a buyout of the Centauri
throne through sales of my Country-Western single.

Wakko: But thats another story.

Pinky: Poit! Yes, the Ambassador is now the Official
Supreme Majestic All-Powerful I-Get-Cuts-In-Line
Head Honcho of Centauri Prime! ZORT!

Yakko: Could you repeat that?

Brain: Not without hurting himself.

Sebastian: Excuse me, but I am on official Vorlon
business ere.

Brain: (to Pinky, sotto voce) Vorlon business! Veer,
are you pondering what Im pondering?

Pinky: I think so, Brain, but… will Cheez Whiz even
stick to an Encounter Suit?

Brain: The Vorlons, Veer! They have their own agenda,
their own plans! No one really knows what they
want, or why!

Pinky: Maybe after its toasted, and starts melting into
those vent-acle thingies… NARF!

Brain: Pay attention, Veer! We shall capture this…
Enquirer, and in return for his release the
Vorlons shall tell us everything we need to know
to conquer the universe!

Wakko: Hey! I thought you just wanted to conquer the
world!

Brain: Think of it as inflation on a grander scale.

Yakko: Ohhh! Kinda like the Macys Parade, only dark
and evil and icky.

Dot: Why am I suddenly thinking Rush Limbaugh?

Pinky: Egad, Brain, its brilliant! Oh… no… wait.
How will we capture him?

Brain: Hes a soft-shell crab, Veer. Im confident in
our ability to overpower him.

(The tip of the walking-stick slams down between them,
zapping both of them with 100 zillion terrawatts.)

Brain: (charred) On the other hand, theres a lot to
be said for going down to Medlab and renewing
a long and cherished acquaintance with Bactine.

Pinky: (ditto) Naaaarf.

(Both plop to the floor.)

Sebastian: Now. Can we get on wit dis?

Wakko: (on Sebastians shoulders and in his face) How
come you didnt become Mighty Thor?

Sebastian: Look, mon, Im pretty peeved already! You
dont want to see me become mighty sore!

Wakko: No, no! Mighty Thor! Like this!

(Wakko grabs the walking-stick, strikes it against the
ground, and is instantly transformed into Thor.)

Wakko: (singing) — The God of Thunder, Mi-i-i-ighty
Tho-o-or!

Sebastian: Yi-i-i-i!!

Dot: Charter member of FOOM.

Sebastian: Fine! You win! You pass de Enquiry! You is
definitely de right people… (shakes Yakkos hand)
in de right place… (gets the heck out of there)
at de right time!

(He slams the WB logo door shut, then leaps down to
the ground.)

Sebastian: And dot is in dere, on Earth, and far,
far away from Babble-On Forever. (chuckles)
Dey can play all dey want, but its only a
water tower.

(Suddenly the ground rumbles. Smoke billows around
the base of the water tower, fins pop from the sides
of the tank section, the tower legs fall away like
gantries, and, with an impressive blast of flame,
the Warner Water Tower thunders into space.)

Sebastian: Ohh, mon. Were in for it now.

(Just outside Earth orbit, The Water Tower opens
a jumpgate and vanishes into it.)

(Inside the Tower. Y, W & D staring out a window.)

Dot: Why do we have a window in a spaceship?

Wakko: So we can roll it down, of course.

(He takes hold of the top edge of the window, rolls
it off the wall into a tube as if it was a Colorform,
and tucks it into his pocket.)

Wakko: So now what?

Dot: (offering to link arms with them) To ZHaDum?

(Y & W link arms with Dot)

Yakko: To ZHaDum.

(The Water Tower burns a vapor trail through space, and
the Warners follow, dancing along on the crushed ions.)

All: (singing) Were… off to kill the Shadows,

Cause everyone knows that theyre bad!

If youve lived long, you know this song

From the Musical Star Wars in MAD!

Yakko: Joe Michael Straczynski has got a plan —

Dot: Its really grand!

Wakko: Im his biggest fan!

All: And so far hes got two years in the ca-a-an —

With three more to go, can this wait we stand?

Yakko: … That didnt work, but it scanned.

All: Were off to kill the Shadows,

And watch some more Babylon Fi-i-ive!
(Fade.)

The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in
rapid succession before the bartender asked him, You
trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?

You could say that, the guy replied.

It usually doesnt work, you know.

No shit, the man moaned. I cant even get My wife
anywhere near the water!