What you resist, you become.

There was this guy at a baseball game, and he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the mens bathroom was all filled up and he couldnt wait.

He looked over at the girls bathroom and there wasnt a line, so he went in there, entered a stall and sat to go to the bathroom.

He saw 3 buttons. Curious, he pushed the first button and went ah. He pushed the second button and went ooo. Finally, when he pushed the third and woke up in the hospital he asked, What happened?

The doctor said, Didnt you know that the third button is an automatic tampn remover?

It was time for the sex talk to their kids, Little Johnny and Little Jane.

Each parent took a kid

THE mother told Little Jane that her private spot was a garage and no boy should stick their truck in it

The father took Little Johnny aside and told his piece was a truck and should be parked in a garage when he is old enough

After their respective talks, both kids went outside to play.

Little Johnny comes running and screaming and locked himself in the bathroom.

Jane comes in with blood all over her mouth. Her mom asked, What on earth happened?!

Jane said Well, Johnny tried to park his truck in my garage so i bit off his back tires…

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldnt figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

Its a period, reported Johnnie.

Well I can see that, she said. But what is so exciting about a period.

Damned if I know, said Johnnie, but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.

What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory?

Proofread.

These three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
fathers are:

The first one says: Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow,
and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.

The second one says: Ha! You think thats fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet.

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then
says: You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant.
He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!

Q: Whats the difference between cell phones and tampons?

A: Cell phones are for assholes!!

Words From Famous Women …

Im not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know Im not dumb…and I also know that Im not blonde. – Dolly Parton

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, Ive done my job. – Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We cant decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. – Rita Rudner

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant – Carol

Leifer

Ive been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman

Im not going to vacuum til Sears makes one you can ride on. – Roseanne

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me its because its cold in there. And Im like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman

I think-therefore Im single – Lizz Winstead

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesnt itch. – Gilda Radner

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.- Maryon Pearson

Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. – Gloria Steinem

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. – Katharine Hepburn

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? – Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming, he recalled.

Thats terrible, said Williams. Howd you ever get any sleep?

At five oclock I finally unlocked the door and let her out, replied Irvin.

You might be a redneck if…
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in".