Old and New Jokes

Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.

Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.

Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator.

Do you serve lawyers in here?, the man inquires.

Sure do!, replied the bartender.

Great!, the man said. Ill have a Coors Light, and how bout a lawyer for my gator.

Erase una vez un loco que ya no cupo en el manicomio y lo mandaron a la cárcel. Ya en la carcel, el loco este estaba platicando con otros reos:

¿Y tu que hacias? dijo un preso.

Yo violaba a las mujeres y las degollaba contestó.

¿Y cómo te decían? le dice otro.

El violador matador. contesta.

Y todos se quedan pasmados. Entonces el mismo reo le pregunta a otro:

¿Y tu que hacias?

Yo robaba bancos y dinero en general.

¿Y como te decían?

El robador.

Y todos se quedan pasmados otra vez.

En eso le preguntan al loco:

¿Y tu que hacias?

Ah, pues yo agarraba dos ollas grandes, las ponía en el piso, las llenaba de agua, en una ponía agua fría y en otra agua caliente.Después tomaba un pollo y lo metía en el agua fría, luego en la caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente…

¿Y cómo te decían? lo interrumpe un reo

¡A VER SI YA DEJAS ESE PINCHE POLLO, LOCO DESGRACIADO!

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, You dont really believe all that stuff in there do you?



Of course I do. It is the Bible. the lady replies!



Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? he asked.



Oh, Jonah … Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. she replied.



Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? he asked.



Well, I dont really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him. said the lady.



What if he isnt in heaven? the man asked sarcastically.



Then YOU can ask him. replied the lady!

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tysons psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood….good thing he didnt say two!

Tysons favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson….instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. Evander was Van Goghd in the third!!!

Cant beat um…Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander the Real Meal Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mikes trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

A man and a woman drove along in silence — the quiet part of a nasty argument. Their country drive took them past a farm with a pigpen full of pigs wallowing in the mud.

Relatives of yours? she asked sarcastically.

Yep — those are my in-laws, he replied.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from a road accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companys fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

Didnt you say, at the scene of the accident, Im fine, said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, Well Ill tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the……. I didnt ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted, just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, Im fine!

Farmer Joe said, Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…. The lawyer interrupted again and said, Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joes answer and said to the lawyer, Id like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie . Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, Your mule was in such bad sha

What is chemistrys greatest achievement ……

Artificial blondes!

10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriends Parents The First Time You Meet Them

1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market wont cash my welfare check!

5. Were going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6. Those home pregnancy kits arent very reliable in my opinion.

7. Angie is so pretty Ive decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place youve got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didnt it?

9. There aint nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monicas will be okay too.

10. Can I put my car in your garage? Im not sure how long that cop car will stay lost…

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog.

How you get down from an elephant?

You dont, you get down from ducks.

What city has the largest rodent population?

Hamsterdam.

What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?

Well done.

What did one cloned sheep say to the other?

I am ewe.

What did one magnet say to the other magnet?

I find you very attractive.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

What did one potato chip say to the other?

Shall we go for a dip?

What did the painter say to the wall?

One more crack and Ill plaster you!

What do cats like on a hot day?

A mice cream cone.

What do cats like on their hot dogs?

Mouse-tard.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?

Mice Krispies.