Old and New Jokes

Lets:

…make like a tree and leave.
…make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
…make like a bird and flock off
…make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
…make like a banana and split.
…make like a missile and cruise.
…make like a fetus and head out.
…make like a baby and head out.
…make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
…make like a drum and beat it.
…make like a drummer and beat it.
…make like a bee and buzz off.
…make like Diarrhea and run
…make like a tire and hit the road
…make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
…make like a terrorist and blow this place.
…make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
…make like a douche and get the fuck out of there.
…make like a strawberry and jam.
…make like traffic and jam.
…make like stockings and run.
…make like a sock and run.
…make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
…make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta here.
…make like a bread truck and haul buns.
…make like a Bakery truck and Move your buns.
Were off like a prom dress!!!
…make like a prom dress and take off.
Were off like pants in the dark.
…make like the devil and get the hell out of here.
…make like the Red Sea and split.
…make like the Red Sea and part.
…make like a banana in the presence of ice cream and split
…make like an amoeba and split…!
…make like the wind and blow.
…make like a tomato and Ketch-up.
…make like a driver and Keep On Truckin.
…make like a teamster and Keep On Truckin.
…make like a hippy and Keep On Truckin.
…make like the Dead and Keep On Truckin.
…make like lightning and bolt.
…make like a Nut and Bolt.
…make like a rectum and get the sh*t out of here.
…make like a donkeys d!ck and hit the road.
…make like [insert name of unpopular politician or personality] and blow.
…make like Michael Jackson and Beat it!
…make like a hippy and blow this place.
…make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
…make like Tom and Cruise.
…make like Pablo and Cruise.
…make like Pablo and Pick Ass Off here. (?)
…make like a Hewlett Packard Laser Printer and jet.
…make like a jacket and zip.
…make like a magnet and flux off.
…make like Levis and fade away.
…make like a bowel, and move.
…make like a tie and hang around some more.
…make like a botanist and leaf.
…make like a dog and flea.
…make like a register and shift.
…make like newlyweds; remain in bed all day. (or go to bed early.)
…make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
…make like Houdini and disappear
…make like a mongrel and get lost
…make like a teeny-bopper singer and fade away
…make like data and move
…make like make(1) and update (your location)
…make like a football and kickoff
…make like a baseball player and home-run
…make like rot13 and shpx bss
…make like a pound and quid (quit).
…make like a jet and zoom.
…make like an airplane and take off.
…make like a hat and go on ahead.
…make like an atom and split.
…make like a Catholic and pull out.
…make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here.
…make like rain and get the hail out of here.
Im going to take a sedimental journey and precipitate outta here.
Im off like exit(0).
Let us leave (lettuce leaf) (only works for 2+, obviously)
Off like a dirty shirt.
Off like the brides pajamas.
Were off lika a brides nightie…
Put an egg in my shoe and beat it.
Why dont you make like an asshole and post exit lines?
Hanging in there like stink on a stockyard boot.
Act like yesterdays lunch, go down and out the back.

Award Winners…

The award winner for the most relevant and irrelevant contribution;
There were other versions (corrections… sheesh!) but this was the first.
And dont forget my favorite (from Back to the Future):

Make like a tree, McFly. Get outta here.
–AMS

The award winner for the most tasteless contribution;

…make like an abortion and head out early.

BONUS JOKE-

What the marketing director of a major condom manufacturing company
said when asked to come up with a new gimmick for their new line
of condoms;

Lets make like bullfrogs and ribbit

– P. Inglis, Waterloo Ontario Canada.

There was an expectant father who had spent quite
some time waiting for the offspring to arrive – at his in-laws place. As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tell his f-i-law when my son comes, do not call up in office and tell that I have become a father of a boy, etc. otherwise Ill have to shell out a lot for parties etc. Tell me that the clock has arrived. The offspring does arrive one day, but its a daughter. The f-i-l now
thinks – if I tell him that the clock has not arrived, hell misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over. So he sends the message – The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing.

Q: Whats a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.

Why Dont We Mix Up the Two

(Tune, Why dont we get drunk…
with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)

Ive got a pound of Cesium,
Its burning gently near.
The sky-blue flame looks lovely,
But its noise I want to hear.
So darlin bring some water,
A couple pintsll do.
And why dont we mix up the two?

Why dont we mix up the two?
Cause Cesium and water,
Really make a wicked brew.
You say Ive got a death wish,
But honey, Im just blue.
So why dont we mix up the two?

—Songs of Cesium #29

They know how to make little things count.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, dont panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

8. Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are…You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesnt move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldnt, use the duct tape.

9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are I apologize and You are right.

10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

11. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.

12 If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

13. And Finally….. Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

Actual writings on hospital charts (Actual? Mmmm…)

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared
The patient is tearful and crying constsntly. She also appears to be depressed
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission
Healthy appearing decrepit 68 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful
The patient refused autopsy
The patient has no previous history of suicides
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital
Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the last 3 days
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
She is numb from her toes down
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home
The skin was moist and dry
Occasional,constant infrequent headaches
Patient was alert and unresponsive
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

What is a mans idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owners neighbors dont mind if you dont return the sax when you borrow it.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

15. Carry an unplugged phone around your room pretending to talk to people.