Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rosina!
Rosina who?
Rosina vase!

Alert to company developments: An office gossip.

Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.

Average: Not too bright.

Unos compadres iban a cruzar la frontera y como ya lo habían intentado varias veces y no lo lograban, decidieron disfrazarse de vaca entre los dos. Al pasar la frontera el compadre que venía detrás le dice al otro:

Compadre, compadre, apriete el paso que ahí viene un poli.

¡Compadre, apriete el culo que ahí viene un buey!, le responde el otro.

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, Isnt that Bush and Powell?

The barman said, Yep, thats them.

So the guy walked over and said, Hello. What are you guys doing?

Bush said, Were planning World War III.

The guy asked, Really? Whats going to happen?

Bush said, Well, were going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman.

The guy exclaimed, Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!

Bush turned to Powell and said, See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!

Brilliants Law Of Limited Ambition: If you cant learn how to do it well, learn how to enjoy doing it poorly.

ArteryThe study of painting
BacteriaBack door to a cafeteria
BariumWhat undertakers do after the doctors treatment fails
BowelA letter like A,E,I,O or U
Caesarian SectionA district in Rome
Cat scanSearching for kitty
CauteriseMade eye contact with her
Colica sheep dog
ComaPunctuation Mark
CongenitalFriendly
D & CWhere Washington is
DilateTo live long
EnemaNot a friend
GenitalNot Jewish
GI SeriesSoldier Ball Game
GrippeSuitcase
HangnailCoat Hook
ImpotentDistinguished, well known
Labour PainGetting hurt at work
Medical StaffA doctors cane
MorbidHigh offer
NitrateCheaper than day rate
NodeWell aware of
OutpatientPerson who has fainted
Pap SmearFatherhood test
PelvisCousin of Elvis
Post operativeLetter carrier
ProstateFlat on your back
Recovery roomPlace to do upholstery
RectumDamn nearly killed him
RheumaticAmorous
SecretionHiding something
SeizureRoman emporer
TabletA small table
Terminal IllnessGetting sick at the airport
TibiaCountry in North Africa
TumourMore than one more
UrineOpposite to Your Out
VaricoseNear by
VeinConceited

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.

Tell you what. I have a proposition for you, said the woman.

If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?

Sure, said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied 382. Wow! said the herder.

That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home. So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then, the herder said, Okay, now I have a proposition for you.

What is it? queried the woman.

If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?

University of Alaska
Statewide Dept. of Human Resource Development
303 Tanana Drive, Room 1, Bunnell Bldg.
Fairbanks, Alaska 99701

Sirs,

Ive decided to apply for your position as a systems
programmer even though I hate snow worse than I hate snakes.

Ive been training for going on two years now at a local
community college in data processing, computers, and that sort of
stuff and have probably learned all about MVS/SP, JES2, ACF/VTAM,
NCP, CICS, IDMS and a bunch of other letters you didnt even list
(In fact, theres about 26 of them total)!

I feel that this qualifies me in that respect. As for IBM
systems, I have an IBM Selectric and even an IBM wall clock at
which my current boss says I watch better than anyone else here.
You list Assembly but that seems like a typo to me because that
is a hardware thing, nothing real programmers are supposed to do.
However, if you will train me I will even buy my own tools
provided you dont let any other real programmers see me doing
it.

I see that you list competitive salary but if the best you
can do is to compete with my current salary I dont think I can
afford the job. I thought programmers made lots of money. But
Im easy. We can talk about that later.

Please note that Ive included my phone number and address
but if you like you can just have my ticket waiting at the
airport if thats more convenient. Alaska Airlines first class
will be good enough.

By the way, just what does a systems programmer do? (You can
save that for the interview if you like.)

Im glad to see youre an equal opportunity employer. My
boss says you would need to be to hire an obnoxious bastard
like me. Is that a protected group?

Well, act quick cause Im going fast.

Sincerely,

Poindexter D. Bytechip

Brent C.J. Britton <Brent@Maine.bitnet>

You might be a redneck if…
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday.

Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.

According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in.

They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch.

Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The soft bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself.

The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.

So thats how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be said Commissioner Appleton.