Old and New Jokes

Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first man says to the other, If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you. After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do. The man answers, Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed it where the sun dont shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

Whatya do that fer? he asked.

Got chapped lips, the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, Does that help?

The cowboy said, No, but it keeps me from lickin em.

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?

The priest laughed, Because, my son, I am a Father!

The Polak scratched his head. But I am a father too, and I dont wear my shirt backwards!

Again the priest laughed. But I am a Father of thousands!

To which the Polak replied, Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!

You might be a redneck if…
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

Yo Mommas so fat that even Richard Simmons makes fun of her!!!!

She went to her doctor, Dr. Smith, and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before doing anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say, Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies, he tells her. She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies. The man standing next to her says, You go to Dr. Smith? Yes, she said, how did you know? He replies Hickory dickory dock!

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: Well document it in the manual.

Big Daddys Rap – The Lords Prayer

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come

You be sayin it, I be doin it – Thy will be done

In this here hood and yos – On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us

Dont be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation

and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil

Cause you always be da Man – For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

aiight

During a traffic stop a police officer is swatting at a fly that is circling around his head, and blurts out what kind of damn fly is that anyhow. The traffic offender replies, thats a circle fly. The officer replies that hes never heard of a circle fly. The offender replies circle flies are usually found circling around a horses ass. Enraged, the police officer says, are you calling me a horses ass?, to which the traffic offender replied, no sir, but you cant fool a circle fly.