Old and New Jokes

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

Turn right … no, turn left … no, turn straight!

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a U.S. naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert
your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic Fleet! We are accompanied by three destroyers,
three cruisers and numerous support vessels! I demand that you change your
course 15 degrees North, thats one-five degrees North, or counter-measures will
be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A rather large
gentleman whose name was Paul was married to a woman who was as heavy
as he was, if not more so. They had two children. All their friends quietly
wondered how they had managed to conceive.
One evening at the bar a friend of Pauls got up the nerve to ask him,
how it was possible that he and his wife conceived their children, being
as large as they are.
To this Paul replied:
"You guys with small dicks are always asking me that!"

The members of the Explorers Club gathered at their meeting house one evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping a brandy while leaning gingerly against the fireplace mantel. Ferdinand, old boy, shouted Sir Roger, Back so soon from the Peoples Republic? Sit down and tell us all about it.

Sir Ferdinand grimaced. Id rather NOT sit down, Roggie old boy. But, yes, my mission to China was a success. Not to China, rather, but to old Tibet, the roof of the world, shamelessly annexed by the Red Chinese.

What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place, asked Sir Thomas. Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Or perhaps on the trail of the Abominable Snowman?

Theyre called Yetis, these days, Tommie, replied Ferdinand, But, no, I was invited to help exorcize an abandoned Buddhist temple. My friend Lama Mipham was allowed to restore a long unused temple by the Chinese government. Not for worship, you understand, but as a museum to further extol the glories of the Peoples Republic. Lama Mipham felt that even for his people merely to have access to the art and architectural treasures stored therein would help prevent the further loss of their traditions.

But imagine his surprise, as he began clearing the temple, at being physically attacked!

By brigands? asked Sir Rupert, Temple robbers, prying loose rubies as big as your fist, that were used as third-eye ornaments in enormous idols?

Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist, Feghoot explained. He could deal with common criminals. No, he was attacked by supernatural defenders of the faith. Dakinis.

Dakinis? all the club members muttered in disbelief.

Yes. It means skywalker, you know. Ghostly women, of all sizes, skin colors, some with animal heads, each armed with a mystical weapon that produces very real physical damage.

No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance, said Sir Edmund, Youre well known as an accomplished exorcist. Do sit down and elaborate.

Once again, Feghoot demurred. Ill not be sitting down for quite a while, Im afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed with holy water, and a nasty three-sided dagger called a purba that can pierce ghostly flesh.

How exciting, whispered Sir Oscar.

No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a huge, lion-headed, dark green Dakini with a head-chopping sword gave an ear-shattering shriek. Lama Mipham splashed holy water on her, and she vanished.

Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned Dakini, hurled an arm-binding noose over us, but as she drew us forward I stabbed her with the purba, and she vanished.

Next, a hugely obese dakini, blue-black with flames coming out of every pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at Lama Mipham, but he ducked, and countered by chanting the weapon mantra, PHAT! and she vanished.

Insulted, I should guess, chuckled Sir Bernard.

Well, to make a long story shorter, concluded Sir Ferdinand, There were dozens of dakinis, but Lama Mipham and I vanquished every one of them, although one of diminutive size (no bigger than my thumb) and saffron hue managed to avoid my attention and wounded me in an embarrassing part of my anatomy.

Sir Harold gasped. You mean…

Feghoot nodded. … She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, poke-a-butt Dakini. (ByAdam E. Ek based on a character by Reginald Bretner)

The sermon had been going on endlessly. Finally the ministers voice cracked and said, What more can I say?

One parishioner yelled, How about Amen???

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

Everybody lies, but it doesnt matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that werent smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

What can I get you? the barman asks.

I want six shots of whisky, responds the young man.

Six shots? Are you celebrating something?

Yeah, my first blowjob.

Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.

The young man says, No offence sir, but if six shots wont get rid of the taste, nothing will.

Había un bandido que después de atacar sexualmente a las jóvenes, les ponía una madriza hasta dejarlas medio muertas. En ese pueblo había una mujer, tan pero tan fea, que nadie le hacía el favor, y la pobre estaba muy desesperada porque a sus 34 años aún no había hecho el amor.

En el colmo de la desesperación, la fémina salió en la noche, sin importarle el riesgo, para ver si se le hacía con el Violador Madreador y se sentó en una banca del parque a esperar.

Como a eso de las 12 de la noche se le aparece éste y le dice:

¡Agárrate mamacita, porque soy el Violador Madreador!

La toma entre sus brazos y empieza a desnudarla, en eso, un destello de luz da en el rostro de la dama, el violador la ve a la cara y le avisa:

Este… ¿Sabes qué? A ti nada más te voy a madrear.

HUNCHBACKS WIFE: Im getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.



DOCTOR: I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops)



HUNCHBACK: I dont like getting undressed.



DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back youll have to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)



HUNCHBACK: I dont like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.



DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment in UK ))



DOCTOR: How long is it since you were at school?



HUNCHBACK: Over 30 years. Why?



DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder what happened to your backpack?