Old and New Jokes

The nurse replies, Calm down. Is this her first child?He says, No! This is her husband!.

Dos amigos se encuentran y tienen ganas de hacer bromas; uno le pregunta al otro:

“Bueno, ¿sabes cuál es el límite entre la desesperación y la locura?”

“No”.

“Ah, entonces levanta la otra extensión del teléfono y escucha”.

“Pero, son las tres de la mañana, ¿a quién vas a llamar a esta hora?”

“Sólo escucha. (Al azar, el bromista revisa la guía de teléfonos hasta encontrar un número)”.

“Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing.”

Le responde una voz de mujer con mucho sueño:

“Dígame”.

“Por favor, con Pepe”.

La mujer, bostezando, responde:

“¡Aaag, aquí no vive ningún Pepe!” (Y cuelga).

El guasón repite la llamada y le responde la misma voz, pero un poco molesta:

“¡Dígame!”

“Por favor, con Pepe”.

Amodorrada y muy molesta, responde:

“¡¡Aaag!! Oiga, ¿será usted bobo? ¡Ya le dije que aquí no vive ningún Peeepe!” (Y cuelga bruscamente).

La llamada se repite una y otra vez, en cada ocasión la mujer se molesta más y más. Penúltima llamada:

“Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing”.

La mujer ya no puede de la indignación, pues lleva más de una hora sin dormir:

“¡Díigaame!”

“Por favor, con Pepe”.

Bostezando y muy molesta, la mujer revienta:

“¡¡¡ AAAEEEGGGGG!!! ¡¡¡LE DIJE QUE AQUÍ NO VIVE PEPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

El bromista se dirige al otro:

“Esa es la desesperación, ahora verás la locura…”

“Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing”.

“¡Díigaaameeeeee!”

“Oiga, yo soy Pepe, ¿no me han dejado ningún recado por ahí?”

“¡¡¡¡¡AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGG!!!!!”

En un pueblo habían atropellado a un burro. El atropellamiento fue tal que quedó el burro totalmente destrozado… una pata por allá, otra por acá, la cabeza más allá… pero lo más NOTORIO del burro (ya se imaginan qué) quedó justo en medio de la banqueta.

En ese momento venían dos monjas caminado por la banqueta cuando una de ellas tropieza con aquella tremenda cosa, y exclama muy asustada:

¡Ay Dios…! ¡Mataron al Padre Juan!

The annoying drumsThis guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks Wow, this is cool. He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy cant sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.

When he gets there, he asks the manager, Hey! Whats with these drums. Dont they ever stop? I cant get any sleep.

The manager says, No! Drums must never stop. Its very bad if drums stop.

Why?

When drums stop…bass solo begins.

41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom…and no curfew.

42. It was never this bad when you get sick.

43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.

45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression…its not!

46. Youll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.

47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.

48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

A guy rings neighbors doorbell & a lovely blonde woman answers the door.

Is Ed here? he asks.

Yes, but hes in the shower, she says.

I really need to see him but I am in quite a rush, and I can only wait a couple of minutes, he says. As he waits, he continues, being your neighbor, it might be wrong of me to say so, but my dear… you have the loveliest rack. Ive got $100 if youll show me.

Oh Mike, that is so wrong. On the other hand, we sure could use the money, she says as she pulls up her top.

Wow! That was worth every cent, but beyond that you also have the cutest ass Ive ever seen. Ill give you another $100 to show me the rest of your stuff.

Oh Mike, thats awful but Eds in the shower so he wont know and another $100 really would help around here, she says, dropping her shorts.

Well I gotta go. Tell Ed I stopped by, OK? Mike leaves, and a few minutes later Ed gets out of the shower and asks, Who was at the door?

Just Mike, she says.

Mike, huh? Did he have the 200 bucks he owes me?

Why does Hellen Keller use one hand to masturbate?

Because she uses the other to moan.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, Thou shalt cross the road! And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesnt anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. A man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a
real person or not. Her answer was always, Well, you asked for the
presents, and they came, didnt they? I finally understood the full meaning
of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: A software or
hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable
from the real device.

Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by
loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner
indistinguishable from the real saint.

Mother also taught the IF…THEN…ELSE structure, If its snowing, then
put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes.

Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing,
Well wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but
well wash these socks out right now by hand because youll need them this
afternoon.

Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid
out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to
find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave
us the first clue.

Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing
the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one
sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the
principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks
three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being
able to come up with at least one matching pair.

Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to
Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was
then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an
instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number
of physical I/O operations.

Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on
the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to remind herself to turn
it off again before leaving the house.

Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced
when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle.

Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert
on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that
things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.

There is an old story that God knew He couldnt be physically present
everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created
mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing. As any kid whos ever misbehaved at a neighbors house finds
out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. Thats a local
area network of distributed processors that cant be beat.

Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.