Old and New Jokes

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Maam, said the cop, Im not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, Ill let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home, responded the Amish lady.

Thats fine. Another thing, maam. I dont like the way that one rein loops across the horses back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away! instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

Well, dear, what exactly did he say? asked Jacob.

He said the reflector is broken, replied the lady.

I can fix that in two minutes. What else? wondered Jacob.

Im not sure, Jacob… something about the emergency brake…

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as Bonkistry. He has been around forever, so I wouldnt put it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who where taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hang-overs and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didnt make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didnt have a spare and couldnt get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, releived and very proud of their story.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in seperate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. Cool they thought, this is going to be easy.

They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page…

WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked,

Did God make you, Grandpa?

Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, Did God make me too?

Yes, He did, the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

You know, Grandpa, she said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar? Where is the bar tender?

As a blonde was driving down the freeway, her car phone rang.

Answering, it, she heard her husbandss voice urgently warning her, Barbie, I just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!

Hey! said Barbie, Its not just one car. Its hundreds of them!

The Good, Clean Funnies List: Good, clean funnies five times a week, FOR FREE!

Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.

Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.)

A los 9 años, Quevedo comparece ante el tribunal acusado de violar a una preciosura de 18. En plena audiencia, el juez le pregunta a la abogada:

¿Qué puede decir a favor de su defendido, doctora?

La abogada le baja los pantalones a Quevedito, le coge el pipí y se lo muestra al magistrado:

Mire que tamañito tiene, señor juez. ¿Cómo van a acusar a este niño de semejante delito? ¡Mírelo! ¿Ud. cree que con una cosita tan pequeñita se puede violar a una mujer?

Y Quevedo le murmura al oído:

¡Doctora, no me lo siga sobando que perdemos el juicio!

The little rascals were in class and the teacher was giving them a vocabulary lesson. The teacher said, Alfalfa, use the word love in a sentence.

Alfalfa replies, I love Darla.



The teacher said, Good…now Spanky your word is respect.



Spanky replies, I respect the way Alfalfa loves Darla.



The teacher said, Very good! Now Buckweat its your turn, your word is Dictate.



Buckweat replies, Hey Darla…how did my dictate last night?.

Is there life before coffee?

The Clinton Presidential Anthem — Kneel to the Chief.