Old and New Jokes

Preguntas reales realizadas por abogados a testigos.

P. Y bien, doctor, ¿no es cierto que cuando una persona muere durante el sueño, no se entera hasta la mañana siguiente?

P. El hijo más joven, el de veinte años, ¿qué edad tiene?

P. ¿Estaba usted presente cuando se tomó su foto?

P. ¿Estaba usted solo o era el único?

P. ¿Fue usted o su hermano menor quien murió en la guerra?

P. ¿Él le mató a usted?

P. ¿A qué distancia uno del otro estaban los vehículos en el momento de la colisión?

P. Usted estuvo allí hasta que se marchó ¿no es cierto?

P. ¿Cuántas veces ha cometido usted suicidio?

P. ¿De modo que la fecha de la concepción del bebé fue el 8 de agosto?

R. Sí.

P. ¿Y qué estaba usted haciendo en ese momento?

P. Ella tuvo tres hijos ¿cierto?

R. Sí

P. ¿Cuántos fueron varones?

R. Ninguno

P. ¿Hubo alguna mujer?

P. ¿Dice usted que las escaleras bajaban al sótano?

R. Sí.

P. ¿Y esas escaleras también subían?

P. Sr. Slatery, ¿usted fue a una luna de miel bastante rebuscada, no es cierto?

R. Fui a Europa, señor.

P. ¿Y llevó a su nueva esposa?

P. ¿Cómo terminó su primer matrimonio?

R. Por muerte.

P. ¿Y por la muerte de quién terminó?

P. ¿Puede usted describir al individuo?

R. Era de talla mediana y tenía barba.

P. ¿Era hombre o mujer?

P. Doctor, ¿cuántas autopsias ha realizado usted sobre personas fallecidas?

R. Todas mis autopsias las realicé sobre personas fallecidas.

P. Cada una de sus respuestas ha de ser oral, ¿de acuerdo? ¿A qué escuela fue usted?

R. Oral.

P. ¿Recuerda usted la hora en la que examinó el cadáver?

R. La autopsia comenzó alrededor de las 8:30 p.m.

P. ¿Y el Sr. Dennington estaba muerto en ese momento?

R. No, estaba sentado en la mesa preguntándose por qué estaba yo haciendo una autopsia.

P. ¿Está usted cualificado para proporcionar una muestra de orina?

R. Lo he estado desde mi más tierna infancia.

P. Doctor, antes de realizar la autopsia ¿verificó si había pulso?

R. No.

P. ¿Verificó la presión sanguínea?

R. No.

P. Entonces, ¿es posible que el paciente estuviera vivo cuando usted comenzó la autopsia?

R. No.

P. ¿Cómo puede estar usted tan seguro, doctor?

R. Porque su cerebro estaba sobre mi mesa, en un tarro.

P. Pero, ¿podría, no obstante, haber estado aún vivo el paciente?

R. Es posible que hubiera estado vivo y ejerciendo de abogado en alguna parte.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, tells the teller that she has $5,000,000.00 in cash to be used to open an account. However, before she just hands over that much money, she would like to meet the man who runs things.

The teller calls the bank president, and arranges the meeting. The lady goes into his office, and after introductions are made, the bank president asks the lady how she came to have so much cash on hand.



The lady tells him that shes an avid gambler. The bank president says You must be the luckiest person that Ive ever met, to win so much! No replies the lady, I will only bet on a sure thing, and since I am somewhat gifted with the ability to see the future, ALL of my bets are sure things.



The bank president smiles and says No, it must be luck madam. There is no such thing as a sure thing. Ill prove it! says the lady. She then closes her eyes and starts to hum softly for about 30 seconds. O.K…I have looked into your future and Im afraid theres bad news. By 8:00 a.m tomorrow, your testicles will have changed shape and will be perfectly square.



The bank president is starting to think this lady is nuts, so he tells her that he has no more time for this malarky and he would like for her to leave. The lady refuses, and proposes a wager. The man declines until the old lady says Look, Ill bet you $5,000.00 that by 8:00 tomorrow morning, your testicles will be square! What have you got to lose? You claim I cant win – theres no such thing as A sure thing…right? By this the bank pres. is really starting to dislike this old broad, and not only would he enjoy teaching her a lesson, he could use the $5K. O.K fine! he yells You got a bet!.



Wonderful! proclaims the lady, Ill see you 1st thing tomorrow. Do you mind if my attorney accompanies me? I always have him present for wagers over $500.00. The man replies Lady, I dont care who you bring, as long as you bring the money!



That night the bank president has some strange dreams, and what the lady said is really starting to get to him. The next morning, hes greatly releaved to see that everything is the same shape as always. He dresses, and goes to the bank where he finds the lady and a man waiting for him.



Well says the lady, Do you want to have the money deposited into my new account, or do you have cash?



The bank pres. smiles and replies I feel bad doing this, but nutty old dames like you need to be taught a lesson sometimes, and I know that you can afford it, so it is you that must pay. You see, my testicles are the same shape theyve always been. Not the slightest bit square. What! cries the lady, That cant be!! I never imagined that it would come to this, but I wont pay one cent until Ive examined the testicles myself!



The bank pres. blushes with embarrassment, but finally replies Under the circumstances, I suppose thats not unreasonable and with that he drops his pants. The lady gets on her knees to grasp him, and her attorney screams DAMMIT YOU OLD BAT!! YOUVE DONE IT TO ME AGAIN!! and he hands her $15,000.00 in cash.



At this point the bank president is completely lost. What in the hell was that all about? he asks. Oh, says the lady as she carefully puts the money into her bag I bet him that I would literally have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls before 9:00 this morning. So heres the $5,000.00 that I lost to you, and please add the other $10,000.00 to my new account

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die? The first man approached him and said, Sir,
I dont wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent? The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, My wifes first husband.

Yo Mamma is so ugly, I went into your house saw her TV was covered with cockroaches!

I asked her what she was watching, and she said All My Children

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "Im sorry to bother you but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "Ive got a better idea… lets pretend were married."

"Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies.  "Get your own blanket."

This was a one panel cartoon in Aboriginal Science Fiction.

On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth: An alien soldier and his commander.

Soldier to commander: Well, now that weve captured their king theyll have to surrender!

Behind them, bound and gagged: Elvis.

They get eaten 3 times for a quarter!

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 28. One to screw in the first one, 3 to follow the first one by screwing in the exact same bulb, 20 to screw in an almost completely similar bulb with a slight difference, 3 to complain about the lighting, 1 to explain that it was not the right type of bulb for this socket, and 1 standing by displaying the canonical collection of bulbs.

Heaven is getting to full so god makes up a new rule that the day u die has to be a bad one or u cant get into heaven. so a guy dies and god says 2 him u know the new rule what was ur day like and the man says well i came home only 2 find my wife lying naked on the bed and telling me shes been having an affair! whats more is that the guys shes having it with is still in the house!! so i search the whole house looking for him and i finally go out onto the balcony and i see this guy naked hanging off our 25 story balcony so i jump on his fingers and he falls, but hes not dead so i throw out fridge on him, and it was all so much i had a heart attack and died

god says: thats a bad day u may enter

another guy dies and god says u know the rule what was ur day like and the guy says well i was having a shower and i walked out onto the balcony with my towel wrapped around me and i slipped i fell down onto my neighbours balcony below so im hanging by my fingertips off this 25 storey building and this freak comes out and starts jumping on my finger so i let go and fall but im not dead but then the freak throws his fridge on top of me so i die

god says thats a bas day u may enter

another guy dies and god says u know the new rule what was ur day like?

and the guy says picture this im standing naked in a fridge…..

Your momma is so ugly . . .

They know exactly when she was born because her face stopped the clock!