Old and New Jokes

Yo mamas teeth are so spaced out, it looks like her tongue is in jail.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fiona!
Fiona who?
Fiona had something better to do do you think wed be knocking on this door!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

58. Play blackjack with yourself and scream loudly about your losses when you bust.

An overweight business
associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took
his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite
bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic chocolate
cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I
accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window
was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, Lord,
if you want me to have one of those delicious chocolate cakes, let me
have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,"
he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

In a company there are two employees, Jack and Jill. Both have been model
employees and have been much valued by the firm. However, due to financial
setbacks, the company is forced to let one of them go. But which one?

The boss decides on a plan. He will watch Jack closely for one day,
monitoring his performance. The next day, he will similarly scrutinize
Jill. Then he will announce which one he is going to keep and which one
will have to be fired.

The first day, Jack comes in early. He works hard all morning, not even
taking a coffee break. He skips lunch. He works hard all afternoon,
doesnt spend any time on the phone, and leaves late.

Noticing this, the boss begins to think, If theyre both such diligent
workers, the choice is going to be even harder.

The next day, Jill comes in late, complaining of a headache. She takes some
aspirin and hangs out at the water fountain talking to her friends. She
takes an extra long coffee break. She leaves early for lunch, and comes
back late. Shes unproductive in the afternoon, spending much of her time
calling her friends and telling them how miserable she feels. She takes
some more aspirin and leaves early.

The boss takes note of this. His mind is made up.

So the next day, the boss calls Jill into his office. He tells her, Jill,
I am afraid I either have to lay you or Jack off.

And she replies, Well, youre going to have to jack off because Ive got
a headache.

Once there was a church and a fire breathing, Hell and damnation Preacher giving a sermon against all the evils of life. He said: Down with gambling. Let us all stop gambling.

AMEN, PREACHER, AMEN! shouted a little ole lady down on the front row.

The Preacher shouted: DOWN WITH DRINKING OF ALCOHOL!

AMEN, PREACHER, AMEN! again shouted the little ole lady down in the front row.

In fact, every time the Preacher preached against the evil vices of man, like carousing, staying out late, uncleanliness, or swearing she would shout the same thing or a variation there of.

Now all at once the Preacher raised his voice even higher and shouted. DOWN WITH TOBACCO AND SNUFF AND ALL THOSE DEVILS DEVISES TO RUIN THE HEALTH OF GODS CHILDREN!

The little lady jumped up and stomped out of the church, and she could be heard saying: Now he has gone too far and got into something that is none of His business. I just wont tolerate a nosey preacher.

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?Moshe replied, I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!

Important! Please Share This Information With Everyone You Know!

This May Save Civilization As We Know It.

Please take time out of your busy schedule to check your toilet paper stockpile.

Make sure it is Y2K compliant.

Experts Caution that if it isnt, on January 1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900 and turn into a Sears catalog.

You have been warned.

Due to increasing products liability litigation alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Associations suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers:

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w**ker.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember).

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Dont fear anything. After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpses anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it. Next, the professor said, you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.