President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.
Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think its ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)
And to do my part, Im buying stickers for all women who participate.
Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!
Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.
The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yukon!
Yukon who?
Yukom say that again!
I used to live for sex
Now Id die for some
Ad seen in the New York Times…
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.
Theres a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, whos 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.
That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dogs ghost, demanding for his tail back.
The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said:
Dont give it back! Dont give it back!
Why? asked the man.
Youre not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, People, people were not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
2. On a Continental Flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, Ladies and gentlemen, weve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
3. On landing, the stewardess said, Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If youre going to leave anything, please make sure its something wed like to have.
4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane
5. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised.
9. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but well try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
11. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.
12. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. But please do not leave children or spouses.
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, That was quite a bump, and I know what yall are thinking. Im here to tell you it wasnt the airlines fault, it wasnt the pilots fault, it wasnt the flight attendants fault, it was the asphalt.
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate!
16. Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question? Why, no, Maam, said the pilot. What is it? The little old lady said, Did we land, or were we shot down?
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
19. Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope youll think of US Airways.
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light em, you can smoke em.
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, Thats nothing. You should see the back of mine.
Yo mama so fat that when she goes to Sea World, people throw fish at her.
A truck driver was drivingalong on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars arebacked up for miles. Finally, a police car comesup. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands onhis hips and says, "Got stuck huh?" The truck driver says,"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
La mujer le dice a este último que salte por la ventana. Como eran cerca de las siete de la mañana, y dado que el amante no alcanzó a vestirse, para disimular se pone a trotar con un grupo que hacÃa deportes en el parque.
Sorprendidos los demás trotadores, uno lo mira y le pregunta:
¿Sin tenis?
SÃ, es para mejor ventilación de los pies.
¿Sin camiseta?
SÃ, es para mejor ventilación de las axilas.
¿Sin pantalones ni calzoncillos?
SÃ, es para mayor agilidad.
¡Ah! Comprendo. Entonces el condón lo lleva por si llueve…