***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant***
17. I finished the Oreos.
16. Not to imply anything, but I dont think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
15. Yknow, looking at her, youd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!
14. I sure hope your thighs arent gonna stay that flabby forever!
13. Well, couldnt they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!
12. Darned if you aint about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
11. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, thats gotta hurt.
10. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. Im jealous! Why cant men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
7. Get your *own* ice cream.
6. Geez, youre awfully puffy looking today.
5. Got milk ?
4. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.
3. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
2. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
1. You dont have the guts to pull that trigger…
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Clarence!
Clarence who?
Clarence sale!
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. Ive been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Wont you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Wont you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
One beautiful morning an atheist was walking through the forest,
admiring natures beauties. He looked up and saw the trees swaying in
the wind high above him, and he smiled. He saw the river glittering in
the sun, and it made him warm inside. He thought to himself that
mother nature had made a truly wonderful world.
The atheist walked a little farther down the path he had taken when
suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of
him. The bear looked hungry, it started growling and running towards
him.
Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and
started running as fast as he could away from the bear. Knowing that
the bear would catch him and he had no chance, the atheist soon ran
out of breath and finally fell to the ground.
As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws came down upon
his chest, the atheist screamed, Oh help me god!
Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying. The river
he loved suddenly stopped flowing. And the sky opened up and a voice
begun to speak, I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, I
am here for every being on this Earth.
The atheist felt relieved a little bit and asked God, Im sort of in
this situation, Im only asking if you could help me get out of it.
God thought for a moment and said, I will give you one wish to help
you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish.
The atheist thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to
God, Well, I dont really want to become a christian, so I wish the
bear to become a christian.
God spoke, So be it done.
Suddenly the sky closed up. The river turned back into its flowing
glory. The trees began to sway again.
And the bear clapped his paws together and said, Thank you, God, for
this meal Im about to receive.
THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harolds violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, For pitys sake, cant you play something the dog doesnt know?
40. Oh I just couldnt. Hell, shes only sixteen.
39. Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape wont fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, Ill have a Heineken.
35. We dont keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You cant feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, its just not safe.
30. Wrasslins fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. Were vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. Ill have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we dont need another dog.
24. Whos Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldnt find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. Ill have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. Ive got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffanys.
11. Ive got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. Shes too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, heres an episode of Hee Haw that we havent seen.
05. I dont have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. Im drivin tonight.
Una pareja de sexagenarios acude a la consulta de un terapista sexual. Sin más preámbulos, el caballero le dice: ¿Doctor, pudiera usted observarnos mientras tenemos un coito?
El médico queda un poco atónito, pero acepta. Cuando la pareja termina, el doctor les dice: No hay nada de malo en la forma como ustedes lo hacen, y les cobra $32.
Esto sucede varias semanas seguidas. La pareja hacÃa una cita, llegaba, tenÃan relaciones sin problemas, pagaban al doctor y salÃan.
Finalmente el doctor les pregunta: ¿Qué es exactamente lo que ustedes están buscando? ¿cuál es el problema que tienen?
El viejo le dice:
Mire doctor, le voy a ser sincero. Ella es casada y no podemos ir a su casa, yo soy casado y no podemos ir a mi casa. El Holiday Inn cobra $50, el Hilton $78; aquà lo hacemos por $32 y el seguro me reconoce $28.
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? Ive got a splitting headache.
Certainly, honey, he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, Say, said the druggist, arent you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?
Yes, I am, said the officer.
Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chiefs uniform?