Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hannah!
Hannah who?
Hannah partridge in a pear tree!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dana!
Dana who?
Dana talk with your mouth full!

Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, Mick! I lost me finger!

Have you now? says Mick. And how did you do it?

I just touched this big spinning thing here… No! There goes another one!

This joke is bad taste, you have been warned.

Three vampires walk into a bar on a cold winter night.

They all three sit at the bar and the bartender asks the first vampire

What can I getcha? The 1st vampire says Ill have a beer, please

So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender asks the 2nd vampire What would you like?

The vampire replies A beer please. So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender then asks the 3rd and last vampire Sir, what can I get you? and the 3rd vampire replies A cup of hot water please.

The bartender obliges and asks the vampire, What are you gonna do with that hot water?

The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and dips it into his hot water and says Hot tea, its chilly out!

Todo lo que siempre necesité saber, lo aprendí de mi madre:

* Me enseñó a APRECIAR UN TRABAJO BIEN HECHO ¡Si se van a matar, háganlo afuera! ¡Acabo de terminar de limpiar!

* Me enseñó RELIGION ¡Mejor reza para que esta mancha salga de la alfombra!

* Me enseñó LOGICA ¡Porque yo lo digo! ¡Por eso… y punto!

* Me enseñó a PREDECIR EL FUTURO Asegúrate de que estés usando ropa interior limpia y completa, para el caso de que tengas un accidente.

* Me enseñó IRONIA Sigue llorando y yo te voy a dar una razón verdadera para llorar.

* Me enseñó a SER AHORRATIVO ¡Guarda las lágrimas para cuando me muera!

* Me enseñó OSMOSIS ¡Cierra la boca y come!

* Me enseñó CONTORSIONISMO ¡Mira la suciedad que tienes en la nuca! ¡Voltéate!

* Me enseñó FUERZA Y VOLUNTAD Te vas a quedar sentado hasta que te comas todo.

* Me enseñó METEOROLOGIA ¡Parece que un huracán pasó por tu cuarto!

* Me enseñó MESURA ¡Te he dicho un millón de veces que no seas exagerado!

* Me enseñó EL CICLO DE LA VIDA ¡Te traje a este mundo, y te puedo sacar de él!

* Me enseñó A MODIFICAR PATRONES DE COMPORTAMIENTO ¡Deja de actuar como tu padre!

* Me enseñó LA ENVIDIA ¡Hay millones de niños menos afortunados en este mundo que no tienen una mamá tan maravillosa como la tuya!

* Me enseñó VENTRILOQUIA ¡No me rezongues! ¡Cállate y contéstame! ¿Por qué lo hiciste?

* Me enseñó ODONTOLOGIA ¡Me vuelves a contestar y te estampo los dientes en la pared!

* Me enseñó RECTITUD ¡Te voy a enderezar de un sólo chingadazo!.

¡GRACIAS MAMA!

Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Lets look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.

Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Lets look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.

From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Whats the first thing the French did when they heard Germany was
reunified?

• They installed speed bumps at the border to slow down the panzers.
• They learned how to say Dont shoot, Im a collaborator! in German.
• They stocked up on Chapstick and practised kissing German ass.

How come you cant find lawyers sunbathing on the beach? Cats keep covering them over with sand.

In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran his game, and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.
Eric was playing a Paladin in Eds game. He was on some lords lands when the following exchange occurred: ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) Its white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) Its about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: Its not good, Eric. Its a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It wont answer. Its a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, its a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasnt it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! ITS A GAZEBO!
ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: Its a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I dont know why anybody would even try. Its a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.
ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) Its too late. Youve awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe Ill roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin. At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have bee

By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) – In a joint press conference in St. Peters Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined companys new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years, said Gates. The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the companys new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peters Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats, the crowd roared, but the pontiffs smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vaticans prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors access to these key intellectual properties.

The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures, said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience, notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Churchs market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Churchs mission is to reach the four corners of the earth, echoing MICROSOFTs vision of a computer on every desktop and in every home.

Gates described MICROSOFTs long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — One religion, a couple of different implementations, said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

Copyright (c) 1994 Knight-Ridder / Tribune Business News Received via NewsEDGE from Desktop Data, Inc.: 03/07/94 19:20

THE ABOVE MATERIAL IS COPYRIGHTED AND SHOULD NOT BE REPRODUCED OR DISTRIBUTED.