Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, Relatives of yours? Yep, the husband replied. In-laws.

This is a sign I have had in my computer room for some time
now. Its a laminated xerox and Im not sure where it came
from, but I think its pretty funny. Some people actually
ask what language it is in. Have fun 🙂

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# # # # # # # # # ## # # # ###
# # # ###### # # # # # # # #
###### # # # # # # # # # # ###
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# # #### # # # #### # # #### ###

ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS

Das computenmachine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und
mittengrabben. Is easy schnappen der springwerk, blownfusen,
und poppenoorken mit spittzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken
by das dummkopfen.

Das rubbernecken signtseeren keepen hands in das
pockets–relaxen und watch das blinkenlights.

Q: What did the snail say when it caught a ride on the back of the turtle as it was crossing the road? A: "Yahoo!"

Q: How many counter-tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, and four women to say, I could have done it better.

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

> > > A small town prosecuting attorney called his first > > > witness to the stand in > > > a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He > > > approached her and asked, Ms. > > > Jones, do you know me? > > > She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. > > > Williams. Ive known you since > > > you were a young boy, and frankly, youve been a big > > > disappointment to me. > > > You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate > > > people and talk about > > > them behind their backs. You think youre a rising > > > big shot when you > > > havent the brains to realize you never will amount > > > to anything more than a > > > two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

> > > > > > The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, > > > he pointed across the > > > room and asked, Ms. Williams, do you know the > > > defense attorney?

She > > > again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. > > > Bradley since he was a > > > youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his > > > parents. And he, too, has > > > been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, > > > bigoted, and has a > > > drinking problem. The man cant build a normal > > > relationship with anyone and > > > his law practice is one of the worst in the entire > > > state. Not to mention he > > > cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, > > > I know him.

The > > > defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. > > > > > > At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to > > > silence and called both > > > counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he > > > said with menace, If > > > either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, > > > youll be jailed for > > > contempt!

A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around? The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights – the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?

St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged. The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, Whats the story with that clock?

Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats President Clintons clock. We decided to use it as a fan.

Realization of another White House intern… And all the time I
thought that humming was the shredder!

No more calls from insurance companies.