Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
11
Jun
11
Jun
Two buddies are bull-shiting over a few beers when one of them says something that would be considered a Freudian slip. He also recalls his the last slip he had where he asked the gorgeous big breasted travel agent for two Pickets to Titsburgh.
His buddy says, yeah I know what you mean, last week while at breakfast with my wife, I meant to say, honey please pass the milk.
But what came out of my mouth was, You Fucking Bitch, you ruined my Life.
11
Jun
A man went into the proctologists office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctors desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for…but whats the BEER for?
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!
11
Jun
The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shit faced. A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.
The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhands wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, youve got work to do.
Cant, mumbled Tex. Too beat. Too tired. Cant even lift my head.
Get the hell up! she screamed in his ear. Ive seen you this hungover a thousand times.
Last night was different, said the wretched fellow. Some son of a bitch cut my horses head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!
11
Jun
Theres a woman and two men. The woman says she is the most beatiful
person in the world. The first man says that he is the strongest man on
the earth. The second man says that he has had the most sex in the world.
But then all three disagree about one another and so the three go to the
wizard. The woman went in and asked the wizard if she is the most beatiful
woman in the world and the wizard said that she was. Then the first man
went in and asked the wizard if he was the stongest man in the world and
the wizard that he was. Then the second man went in and asked the wizard
if he had the most sex in the world,but instead the second may came out
and said Who is Bill Clinton?
11
Jun
Dont think of it as overwhelming numbers, think of it as a wide selection
of targets.
11
Jun
A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.
The woman reporter shouted out This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!. Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, I bet you $50 that the mans gonna jump! The blonde responds back Thats a bet you have there!.
So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin, i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff.
And the blonde says Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!
11
Jun
If youre an American when youre out of the bathroom, what are you when youre IN the bathroom?
European! (Youre a Peein)
And if you really gotta go bad?
Russian!
11
Jun
What the 24th century would be like under todays management
techniques.
After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher
begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel
while Worf slaughters everyone he considers weak.
Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his
positronic brain isnt properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhns
record keeping as hes stripped for parts.
All members of the ships maintenance crew are required to be
involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes
them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core
breach that kills everyone.
Commander Riker is fired after a round of right sizing. Star
Fleet decided that it didnt really need someone to seduce alien
females and smirk a lot.
As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Picard is
forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.
Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg Team Building methods
and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer
interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel
disability claims.
The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with
Star Fleet Command because theyre still running an old version
of Windows and cant get budget approval for the upgrade.
As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered
to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life
forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is
introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties
Using No-longer-produced Shows).
Picard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training
after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the
Ferengis, the Q, and the Romulans.
A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ships
counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing
weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were
conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.
The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance
reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times,
theyre still only getting 3% raises.
11
Jun
If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat; if its up, put it down.
Dont cut your hair, ever.
Sometimes, were not thinking about you. Live with it.
Get rid of your cat.
Sunday = Sports.
Anything you wear is fine, really.
Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult that peeing from point blank
range. Were bound to miss sometimes.
Yes, and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
If you dont dress like the Victoria Secret girls, dont expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad and angry, then we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to appear.
You can either ask us to do something or tell how you want it
done – not both.
Christopher Columbus didnt need directions, and neither do we.
You have enough clothes.
Nothing says I love you like sex.