Old and New Jokes

La maestra se dirige al grupo:

Está comprobado que los niños pequeños prefieren la leche materna a la embotellada. ¿Por qué creen?

La leche materna es más saludable, suelta Jorgito.

La leche de la madre tiene mejor sabor, dice Juanita.

Cuando Pepito levanta la mano, la maestra prefiere ignorarlo a sabiendas de sus respuestas; pero ante la insistencia, accede:

A ver, Pepito: ¿por qué los niños prefieren la leche materna a la embotellada?

Yo creo, maestra, que no es por la leche, es más bien por el envase.

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, Is there a criminal attorney in town?



To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, Yes, but we cant prove it yet!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

Dont discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.

And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?

Youre going to die, she replied.

When God created man, she was only kidding.

There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

Im an undertaker, responded the friend. That doesnt sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement.

There is plenty of excitement in this racket, said his friend. Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didnt want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat… You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.

All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes

with a gun.

The masked man said Give me all your money!

Unwilling to do so, the President said, You cant do this, Im the

President! The man then replied,…

Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!

What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you will grow out of?
Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of people of the same sex? Maybe you just need a positive gay experience?
Heterosexuals have histories of failures in gay relationships. Do you think you may have turned heterosexual out of fear of rejection?
If you never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldnt prefer that?
If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?
To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
Your heterosexuality doesnt offend me as long as you leave me alone, but why do so many heterosexuals try to seduce others into that orientation?
If you should choose to nurture children, would you want them to be hetero-sexual, knowing the problems they would face?
Most child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexuals? Heterosexual teachers, particularly?
Why must heterosexuals be so blatant, making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Cant you just be what you are and keep it quiet?
Heterosexuals always assign themselves such narrowly restricted, stereo-typical sex roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?
How can you have a fully satisfying deeply emotional or sexual experience with an opposite-sex person, when the obvious physical, biological, and temperamental differences are so vast? How can a man possibly understand what pleases a woman and vice-versa?
Heterosexual marriage has total societal support, yet the divorce rate continues to spiral. Why are there so few stable heterosexual relationships?
Since there are so few happy heterosexuals, techniques have been developed to help people change. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?
Could you trust a heterosexual therapist/counsellor not to try to influence you to his/her own sexual leanings?
Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?
A disproportionate number of criminals and other irresponsible types are heterosexual. So why would someone hire a heterosexual in a responsible position?
Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous, always having affairs, etc.?

Aquí hay algunas diferencias entre gente rica y gente pobre:

1)Un rico corriendo es un atleta.

Un pobre corriendo es un ladrón.

2)Un rico con un arma es un mafioso.

Un pobre con un arma es un atracador.

3)Un rico con alas es un ángel.

Un pobre con alas es un murciélago.

4)Un rico bebiendo es un catador.

Un pobre bebiendo es un alcohólico.

5)Un rico fumando es de clase alta.

Un pobre fumando es un vicioso.

6)Un rico nadando es un delfín.

Un pobre nadando es una piraña.

REDNECK FAMILY TREE

Many, many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be,



This widow had a daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.



This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my fathers wife.



To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.



My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.



For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widows grown-up daughter Who, of course was my step-mother.



Fathers wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughters son.



My wife is now my mothers mom. And it surely makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too.



If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.



For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, am my own grandpa!