Old and New Jokes

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephants backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.

A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

What the %$*& is so funny? asked one of the scientist.

You should have seen the monkeys face trying to get the cork back in!!!

Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussys too big. So Id like you to tell me if you find it unusual.

Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and Ill have you examined.

Doctor (shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!

Woman (angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?

Doctor: I didnt! I didnt!

Un hombre de edad avanzada va caminando a la orilla del lago. De pronto siente que algo le brinca al zapato y descubre con asombro que es una rana enorme.

De pronto, la Rana le dice en tono esperanzador: Si usted me besa, yo me convierto en una princesa hermosa. Una princesa despampanante, con un cuerpo muy atractivo.

El hombre, sorprendido ante tal invitación, voltea para todos los lados y al darse cuenta de que no es visto, toma a la rana y se la mete dentro de la camisa.

De inmediato sigue su camino. Minutos más tarde la rana le pregunta: Oiga usted buen hombre, que no me vas a besar. Mire que me convierto en una princesa hermosa. Una princesa despampanante, con un cuerpo muy atractivo.

A lo que el hombre mayor le dice:

Mira Princesita, a mi edad es más divertido tener una rana que habla.

Caca rajita de canela: Es aquella que queda marcada en la ropa interior (también conocida como derrapón).

Caca Drácula: Es aquella que deja sangre en el papel higiénico.

Caca fantasma: Cuando uno siente que se está cagando pero al sentarse en el excusado no sale nada.

Caca perfecta: Es cuando uno caga, se limpia y ve que el papel higiénico está completamente limpio: listo para sonarse la nariz.

Caca húmeda: Cuando, no importando que te hayas limpiado 50 veces, sigues sintiendo el culo húmedo. Entonces decides ponerte un poco de papel entre la cola y la ropa interior y sales del baño disimulando la incomodidad.

Caca encore: Cuando ya habiendo cagado te estás levantando los pantalones y a medio camino, apenas por las rodillas, sientes que todavía queda más por cagar.

Caca tipo isla: Esta ocurre cuando la cagada es de tales proporciones épicas, que la mierda supera la línea del agua del inodoro formando una pequeña montaña de tierra seca. Suele requerir dos bajadas a la palanca para que se vaya completamente por el caño.

Caca explosiva: Esta va acompañada de ruidosos gases y suele ser escuchada por todos los habitantes de la vivienda.

Caca alcohólica: Muy común después de una noche de beber y beber. Se caracteriza por los pincelazos que deja a su paso sobre las paredes interiores del inodoro. Es de color negro, excesivamente olorosa y tiene una consistencia poco sólida.

Caca quiero pero no puedo: Cuando uno siente que se está cagando y se sienta en el inodoro, pero al cabo de unos minutos sin poder cagar decide regresar más tarde.

Caca parto difícil: Esa que duele tanto al salir que uno piensa que el mojón está saliendo atravesado.

Caca splash!: Es la que viene tan rápido y tan pesada que al caer en el agua nos salpica las nalgas y el culo, haciéndonos encabronar.

Caca alta sociedad: Es aquel tipo de caca que no tiene olor.

Caca espía: Dícese de aquella que después de haber jalado la cadena regresa sorpresivamente.

Caca de exhibición: La clase de cagada tan monstruosa que es difícil creer que haya sido producida por un ser humano. El creador suele dejar su obra en el inodoro para que todos la aprecien y evita arrojar el papel higiénico encima para no obstruir la visión de su obra.

Caca estalactita: Es esa que parece venir en una sola tira y que por más que uno intente fruncir el ano no se corta. Suele colgar unos instantes hasta que uno comienza a agitar las caderas.

Caca sorpresa: Es ese tipo de cagada que uno piensa que puede aguantar, por lo que entonces decide no ir al baño, pero…

Caca orgullosa: Cuando uno lucha tanto con el mojón que una vez que logra sacarlo lo primero que hace al salir del baño es contárselo a algún amigo.

Caca ritual: Es la que ocurre a la misma hora, día tras día. Genera costumbres como: no puedo dormir si no cago a las 22:30, etc.

Caca gruñona: Es la clase de cagada de tal tamaño que no sale sin asistencia vocal.

Caca mosca: Es esa que queda prendida de las paredes del inodoro y el agua no consigue despegar. Suele retirarse con un trozo pequeño de papel higiénico.

Caca ¿y ahora?: Sucede cuando uno, después de cagar, observa que no hay papel. Suelen sacrificarse las hojas del periódico o revista que se tenga a la mano; una media o calcetín; incluso el tubo de cartón del rollo de papel vacío, finamente despegado capa por capa y enrollado y desenrollado varias veces para darle suavidad y textura al material resultante.

Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations:



1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this employee to breed.

3. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely wont be.

4. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horses tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldnt tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

A woman walks into a doctors office and when she sees the person wearing white she says: Oh, Doc I have this terrible stomach ache for a few days, whats wrong with me?

He asks her to undress, lie on the bed and spread her legs. After a short examination he says: Oh my God, Ive never seen such a thing. Can you wait until I get someone else to see you?

He returns in a few minutes with another guy wearing white that performs the same examination and reacts: Youre right, but Ive never seen such a thing as well.

The woman that was very tense: Doctors, can you please tell me whats wrong with me?

They: We dont know, were only the painters. The doctors are out for lunch.

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help.

Oh Lord, please help me, Ive lost my business and if I dont get some money, Im going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.

Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize.

Joe again looked up and prayed…Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! Ive lost my business, my house and Im going to lose my car as well.

Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.

Once again, he prayed…Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me?? Ive lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I dont often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order …

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself:

JOE, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE … BUY A TICKET!

Back in the bad old days when I was working in a fast food joint…

There was one female type person on the night crew. A very attractive
young lady with a penchant for wearing mini-skirts. Needless to say,
we did not object to this in the least. In fact, we used to let her
wipe down the tables up front, instead of slopping the french fryers
and such. Admittedly one of our reasons was that in order to wipe
down the tables she had to lean far over them and stretch. Generally
facing away from the counter.

This was when we learned that she tended to wear panties that matched
her nail polish. No kidding! She came in one day with black nail polish
with silver speckles, and it turned out that she was wearing black
panties with silver spangles. Another day, she came in wearing pink
nail polish on one hand, and blue on the other. The panties were blue
on one cheek, and pink on the other.

But … one evening … great anticipation … When would she EVER go
out and wipe the tables ??? … She came in to work, and she was wearing
no nail polish!

She never did tables that night, and we never knew.

I suspect we were set up.

Clif Flynt

It took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat!