A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, I love my BMW, I love my BMW. Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. My BMW! My BMW! he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, Sir, sir, youre bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!
The lawyer, horrified, screamed My Rolex! My Rolex!
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. Doctor, he asked, in total frustration, is there anything you can do for me? The doctor replies, Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you. So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem.
The mans face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, Will you marry me?
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, NO.
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. WOW, he screamed out loud, this is great! But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. Frog, will you marry me? the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, NO! The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, This is fantastic. He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, Frog will you marry me?
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of rings:
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero.
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, hey there buddy, it hollers, youre looking mighty fine tonight!
The guy cant believe what he is seeing. This sure is some strong beer! He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak ,hey asshole, go screw yourself! it yells.
The guy cant believe it and decides to ask the bartender whats going on. Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the mens room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.
Let me explain, replies the bartender the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
15. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didnt back off he asked her name.
Carmen, she replied.
Thats a nice name, he said warming up the conversation, Who named you, your mother?
No, I named myself, she answered.
Oh, thats interesting. Why Carmen?
Because I like cars, and I like men, she said looking directly into his eyes. Whats your name?
Beerfuck.