Old and New Jokes

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied Im on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request. She said Im on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. Im in sales also. What do you sell?

She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.

No I wouldnt.

Well if you must know, she answered, I sell Tampax.

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said See I knew you would laugh.

Thats not what Im laughing at he replied, Im a toilet paper salesman, so Im still a hole behind you!

A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a pickemup on I-75.

He says to the driver, Got any ID?

The driver says, Bout what?

Dear Male Giggler:

Your name has been submitted to us with your nude photo, and I regret to inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.

On a scale of 0 to 10, your body was rated -2 by our panel of women ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel of women ranging from 23 to 35, but we could not get them to stop laughing long enough to reach a decision.

Should the taste of the American women ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate in our centerfold, you will be notified by this office. In the meantime, dont call us, well call you!

Sympathetically,

Jack Meoff

Centerfold Editor

P.S. We do commend you for your unusual pose. We were wondering, were you wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?

What do you call a blonde that dies her hair Brown? Artificial

intelligence!

Un tipo estaba desesperado porque la naturaleza lo había dotado de un considerable trozo: ¡50cm!, y cada vez que iba a tener sexo las mujeres salían corriendo espantadas.

Un día se encuentra con un amigo y le cuenta su problema. El amigo le ofrece una solución sorprendente:

Para solucionar tu problema tienes que viajar al Amazonas y buscar al sapito de los ojos brillantes. Una vez que lo encuentres le preguntas ¿Sapito, sapito, me chupas el pito?, el sapito te va a contestar que NO y automáticamente se te va a reducir el pito 10 cm.

Luego de una larga discusión con el amigo pensando que se estaba burlando de su desgracia este hombre decide que no tiene nada que perder y emprende su viaje hacia el Amazonas.

Una vez ahí se interna en la selva en busca del sapito de los ojos brillantes. Al cabo de varias horas de caminata y ante su sorpresa encuentra en medio de un estanque al sapito de los ojos brillantes.

Todavía medio incrédulo se acerca al sapito y le dice:

¿Sapito, sapito, me chupas el pito?

A lo que el sapito responde:

NO.

Y automáticamente se le reduce el pito 10 cm. El tipo reflexiona y decide que 40 cm todavía es demasiado y por ende le vuelve a preguntar al sapito:

¿Sapito, sapito, me chupas el pito?

Y ante el segundo NO del sapito se le reduce el pito a 30 cm.

Bueno, piensa este hombre, 30 cm no está nada mal pero todavía puede que sea demasiado.

Entonces decide acercarse al sapito por última vez y preguntarle:

¿Sapito, sapito, me chupas el pito.

Y el sapito responde:

Te dije que NO, NO y NO.

En una fiesta, un catador de bebidas lleva varias horas impresionando a su público. De pronto, un aguafiestas, después de haber regresado de la gasolinera con una botella, le dice al catador:

¿Puedes decirme qué bebida es esta?

El catador dándole un trago y haciendo un gesto de repugnancia, contesta:

¡Coño, esto es gasolina!

Ya lo sé, ¿pero es con plomo o sin plomo?

This guy was visitng the country one day and saw a for sale sign in front of a farm. The guy goes up to the farm and asks the farmer to show him around the farm.

The farmer starts with the house and shows him all the rooms. The guy likes the house and tells him that he always wanted a house like this on his farm.



Then the farmer shows him the barn. The city fellow likes the barn and tells him that hes always wanted a barn like this on his farm. Then the farmer shows him the land and the guy is very pleased with it and was just about to write the farmer a check when he noticed some bees flying around a tree.



The farmer told him they were honey bees and that they were very nice. The man still refused and told him he didnt trust bees and he didnt want any on his farm.



The farmer was very eager to sell his farm so he told the man that hell tie him naked to a tree and cover him with honey and if one of the bees stings him he could have this farm for half of what he was asking. The buyer agrees and lets the farmer ties him up.



About 6 hours later the farmer remembers about the buyer and went to see him. When he got to him he asked him if any bees stung him and he said, No but doesnt this cow have a mother?

Why do blondes need coffins shaped like the letter T?

Because when you put them on their backs, their legs open.

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

To improve his bite…

1. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

Look, a herd of elephants in the distance

2. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses

in the distance?

Nothing. He doesnt recognize them.

3. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?

Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!

4. What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?

An elephant is grey.

5. What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

Look! A herd of plums in the distance (Jane is colorblind)

6. How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

7. What game do four elephants in a mini play?

Squash

8. How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Insert elephant.

3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Remove elephant.

3. Insert giraffe.

4. Close door.

9. How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?

The door wont close.

10. How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?

Therell be one waiting outside in the Mini.

11. How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

By the footprints in the butter.

12. How do you get an elephant out of the water?

Wet.

13. How do you get two elephants out of the water?

One by one.

14. Why do elephants live in herds?

To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

15. How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?

Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him lunch.

16. What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?

Swim for it…

17. What has two grey legs and two brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea.

18. What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Lots of room!

19. Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant

or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant

The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari

The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and

culture

or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants

The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants

The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money

The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People

The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.

The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant

The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went

With His Elephants

The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

20. Hickory Dickory Dock,

An elephant ran up the clock,

The clock is being repaired.