Old and New Jokes

A is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped
out because she really didnt care for you you twit
she was only after your money and could have given
a poo about you.

B is for Bitter.
Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them
do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C is for Call ya later.
She wont. She never has before.

D is for Dumped.
Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig.
Remember when you took her out and she said Im not
hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice
place because you were able to afford a nice meal at
this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your
Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends.
That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even
stand to look at her.

G is for Gun.
And yes there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny.
Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her.
Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers
me favors.

J stands for Jim.
This is her new boyfriend. Doesnt Jim have a nice car ? Doesnt Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.
That is what you do with the insects you catch and
pretend they are Jim

L is for Love.
Its a great euphoric feeling that exists between two
people and is shared upon by both parties.

L is also for Lunatic.
Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that
actually believe in love.

M stands for Mephistophiles.
That is

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blondes ear ?

Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

There was a line in Georges speech where he said I raised taxes one time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.

A man complaining to a friend: I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! … it was all gone!

What happened? asked the friend.

Ahhhh … my wife found out …

Q: How many Methodist students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None – downtown Fayetteville looks better in the dark.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

In a surprise interview, Monica was asked about the details of her late
night meetings with the President…

I cant remember the details, she said,but I know the answer is on the
tip of my tongue!

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force? The young man looks at him and says, Im a pilot! The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it! The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, What skills to you bring to the Air Force? The young man says, I chop wood! Son, the general replies, we dont need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do? Thats what I do, I chop wood! Young man, huffs the general, you are not listening to me, we dont need wood choppers, this is the 20th century! Well, the young man says, you hired my brother! Of course we did, says the general, hes a pilot! The young man rolls his eyes and says, So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!

When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be the Boss.

The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be Boss. The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he wanted to go, he should be the Boss.

The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be the boss.

The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss.

Then the Ass Hole applied for the Job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the ass hole became mad and closed up.

After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and were unable to see.

They all finally conceded and made the Ass Hole Boss.

This proves you dont have to be a Brain to be Boss…Just an Ass Hole.