Old and New Jokes

Mrs. Cohen, the buxom, sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldnt keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, hed near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When hed finished she paid him and said, Im going to make a … well … unusual request. But you have to first promise me youll keep it a secret.

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. Well, its kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man – sigh – he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, Im a woman and youre a man …

The repairman could hardly speak, Yes yes!

And since Ive been wanting to ever since you came in the door …

Yes yes!

Would you help me move the refrigerator?

From: Rodney And Cathys Joke List

Yo mama breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.

Un mexicano fue a visitar a su compadre a Japón: ¡Compadrito! ¿Cómo le va? Bien, compadre, ¿y a usted? Muy bien, compadre, oiga qué secretaria tan buenota tiene. Pues ahí como la ve es una robot. ¿Una robot, pues cómo está eso? Mire, le aprieta un seno y toma dictado, le aprieta el otro y escribe a maquina; y eso no es todo, hace el amor mejor que cualquier mujer. No me diga… Si es una maravilla, si quiere se la presto.

El hombre se mete a la oficina de su compadre, y de repente se escuchan unos gritos desesperados. Aaaay, aaaaay, aaaaay… Entra el compadre y le dice: Perdóneme compadrito, se me olvidó decirle que por atrás es sacapuntas.

Un borracho está afuera de una cantina; en eso, pasa una muchacha vestida muy elegantemente y despidiendo un olor muy agradable. El beodo la piropea:

¡Qué bonito huele!

Letue franzue, perfume francés, $150 francos, le contesta la chica.

Entonces, el borrachín se tira un pedo y la joven se queja:

¡Qué feo huele!

Frijol bayo, $9.50 el kilo, presume el temulento.

A young man finally won a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his tool of the trade. But, the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young mans sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, So thats how you guys load those things!

Your momma is so fat . . .

Even her picture weighs 200lbs!

A man was out duck hunting when a cop came drove by and asked him for his ID.

Okay said the hunter.



The cop then grabbed one of the ducks, stuck his finger up the ducks ass, and asked him if he had a liscence to own a California duck.



The man showed him the liscence.



The cop took another ducks ass and shoved his finger up it. He asked the hunter if he had a liscence to hunt Florida duck.



The man showed him his liscence.



The cop finally took the last duck, shoved his finger up the ducks butt and asked him if he had a liscence to hunt Louisiana duck.



The man showed him the liscence.



The cop calmed down and started to relax. So, where u from? the cop asked.



The man bent over. You tell me, he said.

by Robert Chen

You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.

32. Yell to someone walking by, Ill take two hot dogs, and my son will have some peanuts.

33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you should put orange juice under o or j.

34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play Faces of Death. Eat avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Dont be afraid to speak while your mouth is full.

35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much milk.

36. Go up to someone you dont know and say, Can I toast your buns?

37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else youll chew more.

38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then announce to everyone that youre charging a nickel for each green Froot Loop. If they refuse, tell them that theyre not real Froot Loop eaters.

39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything unfinished.

40. Pass the pepper and salt, please.

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy.""Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! Ive never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!""Oh Jack," she responded, "its only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!"Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes going to shit!"