Old and New Jokes

Boeings angling for yule order

Jean Godden — Times Staff Columnist

Heres an offer that Santa Clause may not be able to resist. Engineers at Boeing have done some figuring and they are convinced the Boeing 757 would make the perfect sleigh for Santa. (That, of course, assumes that Santa is ready to trade in the old buggy.)

Here are some stats:

• The 757 can seat Santa and 185 of his elves.

• The 757s lower cargo hold has space for 5,370 twelve-inch gift-boxed teddy bears.

• The 757 can fly the 3,416 miles from the North Pole to Seattle with just one stop. (It does 2,500 miles without refueling.)

• The 757, powered by two jet engines, can fly as fast as 500 mph. Reindeer are optional equipment.

• The 757 can operate in the North Pole climate. It has been certified for temperatures as low as minus 65 degrees Fahrenheit.

• The 757 has an autoland system that will allow Santa to land in weather conditions with near-zero visibility. (Rudolph, cry your eyes out.)

From The Seattle Times, Sunday, December 17, 1995.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

If you do not like the answer, you shouldnt have asked the question.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the citys airport property.

It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.

Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.

In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.

In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.

In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.

In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.

In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.

French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.

Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces – the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.

Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.

In Texas, its illegal to put graffiti on someone elses cow.

It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.

Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a bright red taillight securely attached to its rump.

Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.

In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.

In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the towns taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.

You cant blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.

In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be crying.

Once upon a time there was a blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over.

Thats a nice flock of sheep., she said.

Well thank you., said the herder.
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Tell you what. I have a proposition for you., said the woman.

Okay., replied the herder. If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?, asked the woman.

Sure., said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, 382.

Wow., said the herder. That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, Okay, now I have a proposition for you.

What is it?, queried the woman.

If I can guess the real colour of your hair … can I have my dog back?

1. Sag, youre It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, Give it a shot, father.
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, Whoa, what a big sonofabitch! The priest says, Ah, please sir, can you mind your language? The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), Im sorry father, but thats what this fish is called—a sonofabitch! Oh, Im sorry, says the priest. I didnt know. After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch! Please father, says the bishop. Mind your language, this is a house of God. No, you dont understand, says the priest. Thats what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch! Hmmm, says the bishop. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner. So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope? My lord, what language! says the mother. No, sister, says the bishop. Thats what the fish is called—a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and wed like you to cook it Hmmm, replies Mother Superior. Yes, Ill cook that sonofabitch tonight. While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it. I caught the sonofabitch! says the priest. And I cleaned the sonofabitch! says the bishop. And I cooked the sonofabitch! says Mother Superior.

What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?



A) It doesnt matter, he wont come!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.



After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!



Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.



Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, Rats, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!