Old and New Jokes

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husbands behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, Why dont you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why dont you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, Its pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, dont you think?

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, I guess we might as well. Ill be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!

Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Humans:

Your cat waits and miaows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
a) Welcome home

b) The phone rang twice while you were out

c) Feed me, NOW
Your cat miaows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
a) Please dont leave me here all alone

b) Goodbye

c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
a) An unsupressed primal instinct

b) A sign of affection

c) A demand to be fed now
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
a) Lemme out – I need to use the garden

b) Wanna go out and play

c) Wonder what theyve got to eat next door?

Cats:

Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:
a) Its hungry

b) Its lost

c) Youre hungry
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
a) supper

b) something to keep you going till suppers ready

c) inedible junk to be scorned in favour of what the humans got.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
a) Youre in trouble – better not do it again

b) Nothing – humans do this from time to time

c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the humans bedroom at 4am

b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of

c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.

d) all of the above

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

This simple three question test illustrates how often Bill Clinton must be telling lies.

1. Is the Pope catholic?
2. Does Windows have bugs?
3. Does Clinton lie?

A man goes to the doctors and says, Doctor, Ive got this problem, only youve got to promise not to laugh.

The doctor replies, Of course I wont laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor Ive never laughed at a patient.



OK then, says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.



Im so sorry, he says to the patient, I dont know what came over me, I wont let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?



The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, Its swollen.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

What do you call a closet full of lesbians?

A liquor cabinet.

And God said: Let there be Satan, so people dont blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people dont blame everything on Satan.

— John Wing