An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, youve been out drinking again!""What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look."The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again."
- You wake up face down on the pavement.
- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
- You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
- You see a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there arent any.
- You turn on the news and theyre showing emergency routes out of the city.
- Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
- You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you dont have a waterbed.
- Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels on the freeway.
- Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
- Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
- The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
- You wake up and your braces are locked together.
- You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
- Your paycheck bounces.
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
- Your pet rock snaps at you.
- Your wife says, Good morning, Bill and your name is George.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dill!
Dill who?
Dill we meet again!
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: What lightbulb?
Se trata de un hombre al cual se le ha muerto la mujer. El hombre, después de avisar a familiares y amigos, la lleva a que la cambien para velarla. Repentinamente, se le cae a la finada la peluca que llevaba puesta y el marido, apurado, intenta ponérsela, pero ya se hacÃa tarde y llegaban los familiares al velatorio.
El sujeto le dice al encargado de la funeraria que le ponga la peluca, ya que ella no querÃa que nadie se enterara que la usaba, solamente lo sabÃan ella y él. Le pide que de cualquier forma le coloque la peluca, pero que quedara bien, mientras él entretenÃa a los familiares y amigos.
Al rato, vuelve el marido, se acerca al cajón, llora al lado de su mujer y disimuladamente tira de la peluca para ver si estaba bien colocada.
El tipo queda satisfecho y se retira de ahà y se acerca al responsable, y en voz baja le pregunta cuánto le va a cobrar.
¡Qué le voy a cobrar por dos clavitos!, le responde el encargado.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, Have you ever been arrested? he wrote, No.
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was Why?
The applicant answered it anyway: Never got caught.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.No one expects you to run into a burning building.Kidnappers are not very interested in you. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, Did I wake you? People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.Theres nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now wont wear out. You can buy a compass for the dash of your car. You can eat dinner at 4:00. You cant remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.You can constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You have a party and the neighbors dont even realize it.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You give lots of money to charities. You sing along with the elevator music. You have an age advantage whenever you need it.Your Congressman pays attention to you.You are not expected to keep up with technology or understand it.You get travel and entertainment discounts.Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. You can dance to the oldest music and no one laughs at you. People come to you for help with their antique cars.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they cant remember them either.
A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking and the talk turned to their lines of work.
You know, doctor, the professor said, I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do.
Perhaps, the surgeon replied. But lets see him do it when the engine is running!
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, So, what did you
bring?
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
Grandma Moses of Jail.
Then he asked the first, What did you bring?
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, Why are you so smug? What did
you bring?
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, I brought
these!
The other two were puzzled and asked, What on earth can you do with
those?
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, Well according to the
box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….