Old and New Jokes

Did you here about the pharmaceutical company?

They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent and become a nun.

The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

A greenhorn was telling his buddy what a great hunter he was. When they arrived at their cabin, the greenhorn said,You get the fire started and Ill go shoot us something for supper. After a few minutes, the greenhorn met a grizzly bear. He dropped his gun, headed for the cabin, with the bear in hot pursuit. When he was a few feet away from the cabin, the greenhorn tripped over a log. The bear couldnt stop and skidded through the open cabin door. The greenhorn got up, slammed the door, and yelled to his friend inside,You skin that one, and Ill go get us another one!

kjnjnmnnm,

Yo mamas teeth are so spaced out, it looks like her tongue is in jail.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fiona!
Fiona who?
Fiona had something better to do do you think wed be knocking on this door!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

58. Play blackjack with yourself and scream loudly about your losses when you bust.

An overweight business
associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took
his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite
bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic chocolate
cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I
accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window
was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, Lord,
if you want me to have one of those delicious chocolate cakes, let me
have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,"
he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

In a company there are two employees, Jack and Jill. Both have been model
employees and have been much valued by the firm. However, due to financial
setbacks, the company is forced to let one of them go. But which one?

The boss decides on a plan. He will watch Jack closely for one day,
monitoring his performance. The next day, he will similarly scrutinize
Jill. Then he will announce which one he is going to keep and which one
will have to be fired.

The first day, Jack comes in early. He works hard all morning, not even
taking a coffee break. He skips lunch. He works hard all afternoon,
doesnt spend any time on the phone, and leaves late.

Noticing this, the boss begins to think, If theyre both such diligent
workers, the choice is going to be even harder.

The next day, Jill comes in late, complaining of a headache. She takes some
aspirin and hangs out at the water fountain talking to her friends. She
takes an extra long coffee break. She leaves early for lunch, and comes
back late. Shes unproductive in the afternoon, spending much of her time
calling her friends and telling them how miserable she feels. She takes
some more aspirin and leaves early.

The boss takes note of this. His mind is made up.

So the next day, the boss calls Jill into his office. He tells her, Jill,
I am afraid I either have to lay you or Jack off.

And she replies, Well, youre going to have to jack off because Ive got
a headache.

Once there was a church and a fire breathing, Hell and damnation Preacher giving a sermon against all the evils of life. He said: Down with gambling. Let us all stop gambling.

AMEN, PREACHER, AMEN! shouted a little ole lady down on the front row.

The Preacher shouted: DOWN WITH DRINKING OF ALCOHOL!

AMEN, PREACHER, AMEN! again shouted the little ole lady down in the front row.

In fact, every time the Preacher preached against the evil vices of man, like carousing, staying out late, uncleanliness, or swearing she would shout the same thing or a variation there of.

Now all at once the Preacher raised his voice even higher and shouted. DOWN WITH TOBACCO AND SNUFF AND ALL THOSE DEVILS DEVISES TO RUIN THE HEALTH OF GODS CHILDREN!

The little lady jumped up and stomped out of the church, and she could be heard saying: Now he has gone too far and got into something that is none of His business. I just wont tolerate a nosey preacher.

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?Moshe replied, I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!