Old and New Jokes

What do call a Irish seven course dinner?

A potato and a six pack.

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, Buddy, Id sure like to be on your side of the river!

Aight, tell ya whut, Ill shine my flashlight cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light! the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, Haint no way, buddy. I know you think Im a fool! When I get halfway cross, youll turn your flashlight off!

* Personally, I think that people who say they wish they had their lives to live over again, probably shouldnt anyway.

* Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of themselves are such excellent craftsmen.

* People who say theyve learned from their mistakes should have studied more for the test in the first place.

* As I reflect upon on my past, the thing I regret the most… is its length.

* The way some people find fault with every damn thing in life, youd think there was a reward.

* Even as I age, I still consider myself a go-getter… of course now, I have to make two trips.

* Trust me, when humans were created, I believe there was a very good reason why the body was configured so that ya cannot pat yourself on the back.

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, Im a rabbit, Im a rabbit!"

THE NEW 23 PSALM
In these days of increased jargonization, we feel sure that a new millennium version of the Bible is sure to be produced, incorporating much of this modern language. Perhaps it will be called the NMV–New Millennium Version. The 23rd Psalm would never be the same again. It may sound something like this:The Lord and I are in a shepherd/sheep situation, and I am in a position of negative need.He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me
directionally parallel to a non-torrential aqueous liquid.He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological make-up.Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the non-illuminated inter-hill mortality slot..terror sensations shall not be observed within me due to the proximity of the omnipotence.Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupled pickup unit introduce me into a pleasurific mood state.You design and produce a nutrient-bearing furniture type structure in the context of non-cooperative elements, and my beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.You enact ahead related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts.Surely it must be an ongoing non-deductible fact that your inter-relational, emphatical and non-vengeful capacities will pursue me as their target focus for the duration of this non-death period.And I will possess tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanently open-ended time basis.

There was an American on a buisness trip in England. He got on a train, and was unable to find a seat. The man walked up and down the different cars until he discovered that an old ladys tiny dog was taking up a whole seat.

So he said to the lady, Hey, you think you could move your dog? I cant find a seat.

Now this wasnt a nice lady, so she replied, You rude American! My little poodles needs somewhere to be!

So the man walked up and down the cars again, looking for somewhere to sit. He came back to the lady and the dog. Look lady, I need somewhere to sit. Can you please put your dog on your lap?

Of course, the womans reply was about the same as the first one, You again?! Go away you rude man, dont bother my poodles!

So for the last time the man searched for a seat as the train started. He came back to the woman angrily, Move your mutt lady! The woman went into a fit of frustration, scolding the man like a child.

Finally hed had enough and grabbed the dog and threw it out the window. The woman sat in disbelief until the man accross the isle said, You damn Americans, you do everything wrong!

You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the fork in the wrong hand, and NOW YOU THROW THE WRONG BITCH OUT THE WINDOW!

From Matt Groenings very funny Big Book Of Hell, here are some philosophical theories shared by youngsters:

If you eat a bunch of fizzies (i.e. pop-rocks or the like) when you drink a glass of water, you will explode.

Dogs and bees can smell fear.

Nothings impossible. Not even a little baby counting all the grains of sand in the whole world in a fraction of a second.

If you throw a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, it will go a foot into the sidewalk.

Theres a place in France where the ladies wear no pants.

If you cut open a golfball, the radioactive juice inside will blow up.

Rain is just God peeing on you. If you die in your dream, you will die. Adults are really Martians, and theyre up to no good.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they
noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had
harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our
air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were
swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to
get away and said to the female, Lets swim after them and gobble them up
before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized that the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
Look, she said, I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to
swallow the seamen.

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man, whos not a creep;

One whos handsome, smart and strong.

One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he wont wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed, and when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man wholl make love to my mind, knows just what to say, when I ask How bigs my behind?

I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to shag my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray to my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead.

Amen.

There was a man who had memory loss. His wife got so fed up with him that she decided to take him to a doctor to help him remember things.

A few weeks later the man was out of the hospital and his wife felt he had made a big improvement.

A few days later they decided to celebrate so they invited their parents over for dinner. The mans father asked what the doctors name was.

The man replied, Whats the name of that flower with a long stem and little thorns on it?

His dad looked confused and said, Rose?

Yes thats it… Hey, Rose… what’s the name of my doctor?