A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.
Priest: I would like someone to say He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.
Minister: I would like someone to say He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners.
Rabbi: I would want someone to say Look, hes moving.
When the antenna of my small television in India broke, I looked up the relevant parts number in the manual provided by the company and wrote to them asking for a replacement.
When the package arrived, I was furious to see that they had sent Part No 699 when I had actually asked them for No 669. I shot off an angry missive to their Public Relations Dept.
Their reply: Turn it upside-down.
Viagra can now be purchased at a huge discount under its generic name. Just ask your doctor or chemist for the generic Viagra known as: Mycoxaflopin.
There was a scotish man, a english man and a irish man, one day at work they were having there lunch the scottish man had pickle sandwichs and said if i get the same sandwich tomorrow hed kill himself and the english man got ham sandwich and said hed kill himself if he had ham sandwich tomorrow and and the irish man got cheese sandwich and said the same as the scottish and english man.
the next day they all the same sandwich so they kill thereself at the funeral the scottish mans wife said only if he told me he didnt like pickle,the english mans wife said only if he told me he didnt like hamand the irish man wife said he made his own sandwichs
What do you call an [ethnic] with a job?
– One in a million.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Why is Michael Jacksons new album entitled Bad?
Because he couldnt spell Pathetic.
A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror.
If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror.
I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar. And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.
Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think Im the smartest person in this bar. And she gets a million dollars.
Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think… POOF! She disappears.
[My father tells this one. Its probably quite old.]
A little boy runs into the kitchen, crying.
His mother asks, Johnny, why are you crying?
Johnny cries, Because daddy hit his thumb with
the hammer!
His mother says, You shouldnt cry because
of that. You should *laugh*!
Johnny breaks out in tears anew and says,
But I *did*!
Deviation is considered normal.
We feel complete and sufficient.
We are mean lovers.
Statisticians do it discretely and continuously.
We are right 95% of the time.
We can legally comment on someones posterior distribution.
We may not be normal but we are transformable.
We never have to say we are certain.
We are honestly significantly different.
No one wants our jobs.