Old and New Jokes

Two old guys named George and Tom were life-long best friends who loved baseball. They had both played in their younger days, and now they made it a point to go to every game that they could.

One day, theyre discussing whether or not there is baseball in Heaven, and they make a pact that whomever dies first will find a way to come back and let the other one know.

Eventually, George dies, and appears as a ghost in Toms bedroom one night. Tom, of course, is overjoyed to see his friend once again, and after the initial greetings he asks George whether or not there is, in fact, baseball in Heaven.

Well Tom, George says, Ive got good news and bad news.

Whats the good news? Tom asks.

George states, There -is- baseball in Heaven. The field is made of solid gold, and the bases are fluffy little clouds. And since God himself is the umpire, theres never a bad call. Its wonderful!

Tom, of course, is thrilled at this news, and says so, but George reminds him that there is still the matter of the bad news.

After news like that, Tom says, nothing could get me down! Whats the bad news?

George replies, Youre pitching next Tuesday.

Nowe u two can rite gud!

Howe two rite gud

Frank L. Visco

Vice-president and Senior Copywriter at US Advertising.

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

Avoid alliteration. Always.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Avoid cliches like the plague. (Theyre old hat.)

Employ the vernacular.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Contractions arent necessary.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

One should never generalize.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Dont be redundant; dont more use words than necessary; its highly superfluous.

Profanity sucks dick.

Be more or less specific.

Understatement is always best.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

One-word sentences? Never.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be avoided.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Be careful to use apostrophes correctly.

Do not use them pronouns as modifiers.

And never start a sentence with a conjunction.

TO : ALL EMPLOYEES

FR : MANAGEMENT

SUBJECT : SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through out program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give out employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and out managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they dont have to take S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to the DIRECTOR OF EXTRA EMPLOYEE PROGRAMMING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGHT INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you.

BOSS IN GENERAL

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

A flight attendant friend of mine and her boyfriend had been playing a little
game, where they would hide condoms in each others pockets, briefcases,
lunches etc., to have them revealed at unexpected times.

One morning, shortly after taking off on a 3 hour flight, the flight
attendant was asked for aspirin, by a man with a headache. Recalling the
packet of aspirin she usually kept in her left pocket, she took it out,
placed it on the mans fold out table, and turned to pour him a glass of water.

When she turned around again, the man was staring, mouth open, at the
packet before him. He managed to stammer Sorry Miss, I really DO have a
headache. On discovering her mistake, she turned several shades of red,
and scurried off to hide in the crew cabin.

Eventually, she had to resume her duties, and on each pass down the aisle,
she got a wink and a smile from the man with the headache.

Two Iraqis went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel.

The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, Where is my camel?

The Iraqis replied, Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, Look at the two assholes on that camel! So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!

Because he was a firequacker!

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY A repeat offender got alife sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Martstore. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard — which turned hispetty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than threeyears ago, Floridas repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for lifewithout the possibility of parole.INSULT TO INJURY An unemployed sanitationworker in Miami is also facing life in prison — for shooting himself in the privates. Ina drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun wentoff, and the bullet struck the man in the… nuggets. At first, he told officers someoneelse had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in hisunderwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealedweapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentencefor those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violentcareer criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. Themans public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the mans injury ispunishment enough.HEY — WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE? A luckless thief pleadedguilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. Thethief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked himto go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took thedollar, went inside the store… and called the police.OOPS! OF THE WEEK A thief in Myrtle Beach,South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if youre going to steal restaurantequipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owners grandchildren before settingthe stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovannis Pizzeria inCalabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery.A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant –where cops found pictures of Ubbings grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. Theowner of the second restaurant was arrested.I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA! During a high schoolbreak-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classroomsand amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When theycouldnt figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasnt loadedand left it behind. The men apparently didnt realize theyd been fooling around with adigital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded thesnapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. Thesuspects were quickly arrested.I THOUGHT THISD BE THE LAST PLACE THEYDLOOK…! A Nevada fugitive wanted onfraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for ajob… as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the mans fugitive statusduring a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility testsbefore being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise ofgetting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.AND FINALLY… Admitting his 0-4 record isnot impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dogfor the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his firstowner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier,drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an expresstrain, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner wont be told of Luckys record — the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do somethingsilly."

How do you spell relief?

Answer: F A R T

One day there was two children playing doctor. A girl and a boy. The boy liftes his shirt and points at his nipples and said Ive got two of these, how about you?

So the little girl opened her blouse and showed him her nipples. So the boy showed her his belly button. And the girl showed him hers. The little boy now getting upset, pulls dowm his drawers and points at his penis. The little girl pulled up her skirt and pushed her underwear to the side, but she searched and searched see couldnt find it. The little boy taunted her for about 5 minutes, then the girl ran home.

Soon enough she returned to the boys house and said My mommy told me when Im 15 years old, I could have has much of those as I want!