Old and New Jokes

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

Is this yours? he asked.

She said, Yes, could you bring it up? The man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, Im about to have dinner. Theres plenty; would you like to join me? He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, Ive had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?

The man hesitated then said, Do you act like this with every man you meet?

No, she replied, only with those who catch my eye.

Q: Why cant blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one
of these cards to fill in, in normal Commonwealth style.
After the standard ones, like name, nationality, passport number, etc..
he got to one that asked:

Have you ever been imprisoned?

After thinking about that for some time he entered:
I didnt know it was still a requirement.

Hans van Staveren, Vrije Universiteit, Amsterdam, Holland

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professors desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. What a ridiculous test! he told the prof. How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off Ive ever seen!With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, Wait a minute, young man, whats your name?Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, You tell me, prof! You tell me!

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that its electrified.

Does your face hurt? Well, its killing me!

If it werent for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I didnt claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
So many channels. . .

So little choice.

Why do women pay so much attention to their appearance rather than to

improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.