Old and New Jokes

A blonde goes to a electronics store n asks to buy that t.v. the shop keeper replies no so she goes home n dies hair brown she goes back the next day n says can i buy that t.v. the shop keeper says no your that blonde from yesterday so she goes home n dies her hair black n goes bk to the shop to weeks l8ter n says can i buy that t.v. the shop keeper says no your that blonde from two weeks a go she replies how do u know he replies its not a t.v. its a microwave.

Jerry is watching the end of an intense baseball game when his wife taps him on the shoulder and asks, Honey, could you fix the front steps? Theyre ready to collapse.

He sighs and says, After the game, Flo.

Flo grinds her teeth. She nearly broke her neck climbing those stupid stairs and all he cares about is his stupid baseball game. Well, could you fix the light in the hall? Its been flickering for weeks.

He sighs and says, Darn it, Flo, Im a sports fan, not an electrician. Call Joe Burkes to fix it.

Flo counters: Can you fix the fridge door, then? It wont shut.

Jerry turns to talk to her and misses the game-winning homer. He turns back to the screen and sees people celebrating and carrying on. He wants to swear. Instead he says, You want me to fix the fridge? Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?

She opens her mouth and he hushes her silent. I need to cool down, he says. Im going out.

Jerry goes to his favorite watering hole and drinks for about an hour. After a couple beers, he starts to feel guilty about treating Flo so poorly. He returns home and notices the front steps have been repaired. He walks into the hall and sees the hall light working perfectly. He opens the fridge to grab a beer. The fridge door has been fixed, too.

He finds his wife and says, Honey, howd you fix all this stuff?

She smiles and says, After you left, I sat outside and cried. This nice young man was passing by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything for me. All I had to do in return was make love to him or bake him a cake.

Jerry nodded, appreciatively. What kind of cake did you bake?

Flos smile widened. Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?

Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.

Seven Software Companies Added To Watch List

New York — People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced
today that seven more software companies have been added to the groups watch
list of companies that regularly practice software testing.

There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies
like these can market new products, said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS.
Alternative methods of testing these products are available.

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and
arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are
assigned to break the software by any means necessary, and inside sources
report that they often joke about torturing the software.

Its no joke, said Grandola. Innocent programs, from the day they are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and crashed for hours on end. They spend
their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously
deleted when theyre not needed anymore.

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with
bugs.

We know that alternatives to this horror exist, he said, citing industry giant
Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting
to software testing.

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.

The genie says, For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!

The man thinks for a minute, and says, I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. Im scared of flying and tend to get seasick.

The genie replies, My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. Im sorry, but it just cant be done. Please choose another wish!

The man thinks for a minute, and says, I want to be able to understand women.

The genie pauses for a moment and says –

So, this bridge you want…two lanes or four?

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns.

She said, There was a man in the convent last night. 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee.

The head nun goes on, We found a condom in the garden. Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes

hee hee hee.

The head nun continues There was a hole in that condom. 99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.

Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west, a woman walked into a saloon. Suddenly she realised that she was not in the general store so she started to turn around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy seated at the bar noticed her and said to the woman, Come on over, Maam, sit yerself down right here next to me and have yerself a drink.

Thank you kindly Sir, but Im afraid that I couldnt, replied the woman, on account that I need to get bread.

The cowboy replied, Uh, Maam, I do reckon you came to the right place for that!

Deben rezar, con mucha devoción, estas oraciones antes de poner a dormir o apagar sus PC o Mac.

Webmaster Nuestro

WebMaster nuestro que estás en www.heaven.com, santificado sea tu server, venga a nosotros tu shareware. Hágase tu downloading así en el http como en el FTP. Danos hoy nuestro surfing de cada día, perdona nuestros bugs como nosotros también perdonamos a Microsoft y no nos dejes caer en una HP y líbranos de toda NeXT. Enter.

Credo

Creo en un solo lenguaje de programación C Todopoderoso, creador de UNIX y de Windows. Creo en un solo C++, hijo único de C. Nacido de C antes de Visual C++.

C de C, compilador de compilador, C (c)Copyright, compilado, no interpretado, de los mismos programadores que el Padre, por quien todo es programado, que por nosotros los hombres y nuestros servidores fue desarrollado y, por obra del Lenguaje Binario, se encarnó en ensamblador y se hizo Lenguaje, y por nuestra causa es ampliamente aceptado en tiempos de Bill Gates.

Decayó y fue olvidado y se renovó al tercer día, según los usuarios. Y subieron las ventas, y está ubicado dentro de todo UNIX, por quien todo es programado. Y de nuevo vendrá mejorado para juzgar a virus y programas. Y su dominio no tendrá fin.

Creo en el Lenguaje Binario, código y base del sistema que precede al Padre y al Hijo. Que con el Padre y el Hijo recibe una misma aplicación y memoria y que habló por los procesadores.

Creo en la arquitectura IBM, que es una, sólida, compacta y compatible. Confieso que no hay ni un solo undo para la corrección de los errores.

Espero la resurrección de las Mac y la vida en un mundo con Internet. Enter.

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace who had the bad habit of eating all the grass on the lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace locked up, and the yard became overgrown.
One day, while working on a car in his backyard as evening approached he dropped his wrench, which immediately disappeared in the tall grass. That very night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
Early the next morning, the mechanic went outside and discovered his lost wrench glinting in the sunlight! Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed, A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!

1. Throughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a powerwash and rinse which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, the Dog