Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the babys face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into get a sponge.
When I went to college in the 1980s, I heard a lot of words like data input and beta version. They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.
Now that Ive worked in a computer company for the last few years, Ive gained an insiders perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for doesnt work.
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before its released. Beta is Latin for still doesnt work.
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger Duffy Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the Incompatible File Format error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitlers death; Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computers engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel thats powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if its a 386 & a ferret on speed if its a 486.
Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the programs shortcomings.
File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release. A programmers feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create user-friendly software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date & subtracting six months.
User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
Novice Users People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate People who dont know how to fix their computer after theyve just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users People who break other peoples computers.
1. Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.
2. He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
3. In class, the syllabus is more important than you are.
4. Help! Ive fallen asleep and I cant wake up!
5. Text makes a satisfying thud when dropped on the floor.
6. The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.
7. His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame
8. Textbook is confusing…someone with a knowledge of English should
proofread it.
9. Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? Thats the
way I felt all term.
10. This class was a religious experience for me…I had to take it all on
faith.
You might be a redneck if…
Your wifes hairdo attracts bees.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lincoln!
Lincoln who?
Lincoln logs!
Drive – Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove
Se encuentran Moisés y Jesús en el ParaÃso caminando a la orilla de un lago. Dice Jesús:
¿Tú recuerdas, Moisés, los milagros que hacÃamos en la Tierra?
SÃ, Jesús. Es más, yo creo que todavÃa puedo hacer alguno…
Al diciendo esto, extiende las manos sobre el lago y el agua empieza a moverse y al fin se abre, dejando ver el fondo. Moisés retira las manos y las aguas vuelven a su lugar. Jesús, viendo aquello, recuerda:
Bueno, y yo caminaba por la superficie de agua…
Y empieza a caminar por el agua, pero al alejarse de la orilla, de repente, empieza a hundirse. Moisés, asustado, abre las aguas de nuevo y rescata a Jesús. Jesús sale del lago y afirma desconcertado:
¡No entiendo lo qué pasa, esto deberÃa funcionar bien!
Mira, Jesús, tú puedes creer que es una fantasÃa, pero a mà me parece que esto tiene que ver con los orificios que tienes en los pies, aventura Moisés
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboys horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
Hold on there, partner, said the snake, dont shoot- Im an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you dont shoot me, Ill give you any three wishes you want.
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snakes striking range. He said, OK, first, Id like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, Id like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, Id like sexual equipment like this here horse Im riding.
The rattlesnake said, All right, when you get back to the bunk house youll have all three wishes.
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted…
Oh My God… I was riding the MARE!
A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light next to a Police Officer on a horse.
The Police Officer asked the boy Did Santa bring you that new bike? the boy replied Yes!
It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of your bike said the Police Officer, The next time I see you there better be reflextors on your bike! said the Police Officer.
The little boy replied Yes Sir.
Officer, can I ask you a question? said the little boy.
Yes, said the Officer.
Did Santa bring you that horse? asked the boy.
Yes he did! said the officer.
Oh, if I ever get a horse Im going to ask Santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on top!!!! said the boy.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
The blonde said How about 50 dollars? The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?
The man replied, She should. She was standing on the porch.
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
Youre finished already? he asked. Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. And by the way, the blonde added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.