Old and New Jokes

En un viaje a Marte:

Torre de control Tierra a astronave Explorador:

Simio uno, responda. Tierra a simio uno. Verifique la velocidad de aterrizaje; el plano de inclinación y el nivel de combustible.

Simio uno:

Hu, hu, ha, hu, jehu(entendido).

Torre de control Tierra:

Simio dos, responda. Tierra a simio dos. Verifique el nivel de oxígeno; la ubicación geográfica del área de aterrizaje y los controles de mando.

Simio 2:

Hu, hu, ha, hu, jehu(entendido).

Torre de control Tierra:

Venancio, responda. Tierra a Venancio. Tierra llamando a Venancio, responda…

Venancio:

¡Joder, hombre, que ya sé que tengo que darle de comer a los monos y no tocar nada!

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. so every day the husband would get home at 5 oclock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. in the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. this went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. the shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans. one germ said, I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I dont think the antibiotics will find me there.

A second exclaimed, I am going to hide behind her right ear, I dont think theyll find me there.

The last germ said, I dont know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, Im gonna be on it!

How are the Unabomber and a girl from West Virginia similar?

– they were both fingered by their brother.

A blonde had just gotten back from her honeymoon and was cooking roast beef. Before she put it in the pan she cut off the end. Her husband asked her,why do you do that? thats the way my mother did it,the blonde replied.So they asked her mother who was also blonde why she cut the end off the roast beef,thats the way my mother did it,So they asked her mother who was also a blonde why she did it and she said, because the pan was too small.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her shes pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: Is it mine?

Q: What are the worst six years in a blondes life?
A: Third grade.

Q: What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: Why is Santa always so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the bad girls live.

At a Mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the Bishop presiding noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the service began. They insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The Bishop wondered why they had come, but he didnt have time to inquire before the Mass began.

When it came time for the announcements, the Bishops curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two Rabbis and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the Brides of Christ.

The elder of the Rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, Family of the Groom.

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

Yes, she replied readily. Tell him Mother didnt come after all.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.