Old and New Jokes

Harveys grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, Vat sims to be ze problem?

Harvey says, Im not sure, but it doesnt go tick-tock-tick-tock anymore. Now it just goes tick…tick…tick.

The old man says, Mmm-Hm! and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.

Then he says in a menacing voice, Ve haf vays of making you tock!

Eran tres maes que entran a una discoteque y se sientan en una mesa. En la mesa del frente ven a una atractiva chica que está sola; entonces dice uno de ellos: ¿Ven a aquella hembra que está allí al frente? Vean y aprendan cómo se conquista a una chica.

Se acerca a la chica y le dice: Esteee, ¿hola muchacha cómo está? Bueno, es que yo quería preguntarle a ver si podría bailar una pieza conmigo.

A lo que ella responde: ¿Usted está loco? Cuándo a visto un manjar en el hocico de un perro?

El pobre se fue a sentar a la mesa con el rabo entre las patas. Entonces se para el segundo y dice: Tú lo hiciste mal, yo te enseñaré cómo hacerlo.

Se acerca a la chica y dice: Mmmm, hola hermosura. ¿Cómo es que una chica tan bella esté aquí sentada tan sola. ¿Qué te parece si bailamos una pieza y luego nos tomamos algo?

Y la chica le contesta: ¿Queeé? ¿Cuándo ha visto un manjar en el hocico de un perro?

Y este otro mae se fue a sentar sin siquiera volver a levantar la cabeza. Entonces se para el tercero que se lo llevaba puta del colerón y le dice a los otros: Vean hijueputas yo a ustedes les voy a enseñar de verdad cómo se conquista una zorra de esas.

Entonces se acerca a la hembra y con tono áspero: Hey, usted.

¿Quién, yo?

Sí estúpida, ¿con quién más cree que estoy hablando? Bueno yo nada más venía a preguntarle a ver si quería bailar alguna mierda de canción.

¡Ja!, ¿cuándo ha visto un manjar en el hocico de un perro?

Y el mae le responde: No, yo nada más le vine a pedir que bailáramos, no que me la mamara.

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the mans trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, You shouldnt do that. Hell never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!.

The blind man retorted, Im not rewarding him.
Im just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!

The clerk showed the guy the stores most expensive perfume.

This is called Perhaps, said the sales clerk.

Its $285 per ounce.

Listen, the guy shot back, for $285 an ounce, I dont want something called Perhaps; I want something called, You Can Bet Your Happy ASS Youll Get Some!

A lesbian goes to her doctor for her annual physical.

After the doctor completes the physical, she says, You can get dressed now. Your test results will be back in a few days. Stop by my office and Ill review the exam I just gave you.

When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, Well, you seem to be in perfect health. I couldnt find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, Id like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I cant think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh.

The patient says, Well, theres a perfectly good reason for that …you see, I have a woman in at least three times a week.

A man was driving through Oklahoma when he was pulled over by one of the local officers.

He man asked, What did you stop me for?

The officer replied, You failed to stop at the stop sign.

The man answered, I slowed down, didnt I?

Yes, the officer admitted.

Well, slow down, stop, same thing. the man rebutted.

At that point the officer pulled his night stick out and started hitting the man over the head. Now, tell me, do you want me to stop or slow down?

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Diamonds are a
girls best friends.

Dogs are mans best friend.

So which is the dumber sex?

There are more jokes like this at http://www.hamerkaz.com.au

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Toyota!
Toyota who?
Toyata be a law against such awful jokes!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mira!
Mira who?
Miracle on 34th Street!