Old and New Jokes

Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.

Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

The trick is to stop thinking it is your money. – IRS auditor

A Business man, while out of town, decided to play a little golf after a
short work day. He did not know any golfers in this town so he decided to
go out to the course and get paired up there. When he arrived there were no
guys ready to play, but there was a very nice looking lady waiting for a
foursome. He decided (at the suggestion of the club) to pair up with the
lady. While playing the first 17 holes the two got to be real chummy, but
were shooting as poor a game as either had seen in years. They were both
getting very frustrated with their games. On the 18th, a par 4, the game was
about to finish on a good note as they both were on in 2. When they
arrived on the green, they saw that this was the worst green that either had
ever seen. This green slopped away from the cup with a very rolling surface.
He was about twenty-nine feet away and she twenty-six. He looked over the
green and was very frustrated. He said, If I make this shot Ill buy us
dinner tonight. He hit and the ball rolled over the bump down through
the grove, around the short hill, and up past the cup and slowed. Just as
it looked as though he had missed the put, the slope of the green helped,
and the ball rolled back into the cup. He made a great shot. Not to be
outdone the lady tried to line up her shot. She said, If I make this
shot Ill invite you to my place for drinks after dinner. The guy
interrupted her put saying, Wait! Let me help you line up the shot.
He walked all over the green trying to find the groove. He suddenly smiled,
walked over to the ball, grabbed it up and said, That is a gimme if I ever
saw one.

A Pro is giving a golf lesson to a woman on the tee. She swings the club
and dubs the ball. The Pro sees that the problem is with her grip of the
club and says to her, Try holding the club like you hold your
husbands….(you know)

Oh, says the lady, who takes out her driver using the
new grip and hits one 250 yards.

Thats good, the Pro encourages, but
try taking the club out of your mouth.

— You fool! You almost hit my wife with that shot!

— Sorry old chap! Here, take a shot at mine!

— Did you hear that the board fined me $50 for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?

— Really, for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?

— No, for using the wrong club.

I attended a golf convention in San Diego over the winter and was somewhat
interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers, in
particular, late afternoon league golfers. This study indicated that the
single gentlemen who play in these leagues are skinnier than the married
ones. The way this fact was determined was as follows: the single golfer
goes out and plays his round of golf, has a refreshment at the 19th hole,
goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there, so he
goes to bed. the married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a
refreshment at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing
decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator…

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?

A: Chances are theyll both end up in the gutter.

A female computer consultant is helping a smug man set up his machine. She asks him what password hed like to log on with. Wanting to embarrass the woman, he tells her to enter the word PENIS. Without saying a thing, she keys in the password and almost dies laughing at the computers reply: PASSWORD REJECTED – NOT LONG ENOUGH.

A man & wife entered a dentists office. The Wife said, I want a tooth pulled. I dont want gas or Novocain because Im in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

Youre a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says, Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Overcoming his initial shock, he said to himself, Ah, young love … ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers … Cest magnifique! He continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he gasped. Mais … Sacre bleu! Ze woman — she is dead! and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived out-of-breath at the police station and shouted, Jean! Jean, zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gastons field making love.

The police chief smiled and said, Come, come, Henri, you are not so old: Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, Lamour! Zis is okay.

Mais non! You do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the police station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henris story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.

Pierre, Pierre … this is Jean. I was in Gastons field … zere is a young couple naked aving sex, to which Pierre replied, Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, Lamour! Zis is very natural.

Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!

Mon dieu! Pierre exclaimed. The doctor grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gastons field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

He walked inside, smiled patiently and said, Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British.

This farmer had a sick cow, and the vet prescribed a daily suppository. The farmers method for administering the prescription was to insert an aluminum tube into the cows rear and blow the suppository in.One day the farmer was too sick to attend his cow, so he asked his hired hand to take care of the cow. The hired hand took the tube, and turned it around before he blew the supository into the cow. The farmers horrified wife, who was standing nearby watching, asked the hired hand why he had turned the tube in the cows rear around.He exclaimed What! Should I have put it from your husbands mouth into mine?!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jose!
Jose who!
Jose can you see…!

En un concurso para hallar el nombre más corto del mundo, se encontraban un chino, un japonés y un mexicano. Llaman al chino y le preguntan su nombre.

Me llamo O.

Casi todos los espectadores dan por hecho que el hombre aquel ya ganó. Entonces pasa el japonés y dice su nombre:

Casio.

El público asegura: ¡Órale, este nipón ya ganó!

Cuando le toca el turno de decir su nombre al mexicano, éste dice:

Pues yo me llamo Nicasio.