Old and New Jokes

Creativity is the art of concealing your sources.

How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? Blow in her ear.

Wayne went to the pet store to buy a parrot. One bird caught his eye: previously owned, it was especially handsome and he purchased it. As soon as the bird was settled on its perch, Wayne went to the cupboard.

You want a cracker? he asked, holding out a Saltine.

The bird looked at the snack. What are you, stupid? And blind? You think I keep my feathers rich by eating crackers, you moron? I want pate and I want it now, asshole!

Shocked by this unprovoked abuse, Wayne returned to the pet store and walked up to the proprietor.

Just who owned that bird before me anyway?! … he demanded.

Didnt I tell you? the proprietor said. You are the owner of a bird that once belonged to John McEnroe.

These are not mine. I couldnt locate the author. But they are quite
funny. So, here they are:

The letter to dad:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply cant think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

…do banks leave safe doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Youve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

An elderly Jewish man was admitted to the local hospital, which happened to be run by a Catholic order. All the nurses were nuns.

One of the nurses was preparing his records and she asked him who would be responsible for his bill.

I dont have any money, the old man told her.

Do you have any family?

I have one sister who changed her religion and became a nun, so shes an old maid.

Ill have you know that were not old maids, the nurse protested. Were married to Christ.

In that case, the old man replied, send the bill to my brother-in-law.

This is probably old, but I heard it from a friend for the first time
a couple of days ago:

Two Kentuckians [or your favorite ethnic/social group] were driving
a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet
zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately,
the truck was just over 12 feet high. They didnt know what to do,
when finally one of them looked both directions and said, I dont
see any cops, lets go for it!

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which theyd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, I wouldnt eat that if I were you.

Why not?

I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.

Un loco que habitaba en el sexto piso de un edificio tenía desconcertado a un señor porque cada vez que pasaba rumbo a su trabajo, el chiflado le apuntaba con la mano en forma de pistola y le disparaba desde la ventana.

Llegó el día en que el tipo decide seguirle el juego al orate: apunta con la mano y le dispara al chalado que se asomaba desde la ventana; éste se lleva las manos al pecho, se desploma y cae al pavimento.

El hombre, sorprendido, corre a auxiliarlo. El loco moribundo lo mira y le reclama:

Yo nunca te disparé al cuerpo.