A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams, I was just stung by a bee!
The golf pro asks, Where?
Still screaming, the woman replies, Between the first and second hole.
The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, It sounds like your stance is too wide.
03
Apr
03
Apr
Greeners Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
03
Apr
(Ill tell you tomorrow.)
03
Apr
Recently, on an outing with my scout troop, the question came up of when the new millenium will begin–January 1st 2000 or 2001.
So the Scoutmaster explained that each century begins with year 1 and ends with year 100-thus the reason why the 20th century began at the start of 1901 and will end at the close of 2000.
To illustrate his point, he gathered 15 berries and asked the boys how many he had.
Each boy correctly answered 15.
His next question was, Now which berry is number 0?
To which one boy blurted out, The one that isnt there!
03
Apr
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society.
DIRECTRA – A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks-especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites stores return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
CAPAGRA – Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
03
Apr
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, shed be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! its the 90s!, hed be
Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, hed be Snoop Doggy Dogg
Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, hed be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to
marry Kenny G., hed be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quarks brother on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, hed be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, hed be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory
Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, hed be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin
Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all
nod understandingly when we heard, Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short
Guy.
02
Apr
Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
02
Apr
One day at the end of class, little Johnnys teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so theres a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, Dont keep all your eggs in one basket.
Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, Dont count your chickens before they hatch.
Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, Dont fight with Uncle Ted when hes been drinking!
02
Apr
HabÃa una vez en un concurso de quien miraba mas lejos, participaban un mexicano, un gringo y el tÃo chema por Guatemala.
Empezó por el mexicano quien dijo: De aquà a Italia hay un señor fumando… y fueron a ver y era cierto.
Le tocó al gringo y dijo: Mi ver de aquà a la China, que un chino estar cayéndose de su bicicleta… y fueron a ver y era cierto.
Le tocó al tÃo Chema y se quedó escudriñando el horizonte: una hora, dos horas, tres horas, al final un juez le preguntó:
TÃo Chema ¿qué está viendo?
Y el tÃo Chema contestó:
Me estoy contando los pelos que tengo en el culo…
02
Apr
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, Im on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, Im on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole. Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. Im in sales, also. What do you sell?
She replied, If I tell you, youll laugh. No, I wont.
Well, if you must know, she answered, I work for Tampax.
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, See I knew you would laugh.
Thats not what Im laughing at, he replied. Im a salesman for Preparation H, so Im still a hole behind you!