Old and New Jokes

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Spice Girl Replacement Candidates

1. Cher or Madonna [Old Spice]
2. Jewel or Dolly Parton [Spice Rack]
3. Cindy Lauper [Freaky Spice]
4. Courtney Love [Scarier Spice]
5. Marilyn Manson [Scariest Spice]
6. Pamela Lee Anderson [Silicon Spice]
7. Monica Lewinski [Gagger Spice]
8. Ellen Degeneris [Muncher Spice]
9. Anne Heche [Licker Spice]
10. Shannen Doherty [Nutty Spice]
11. Hillary Clinton [Bitchy Spice]
12. Anna Nicole Smith [Shallow Spice]
13. Christina Applegate [Brainy Spice]

Harry starts his new job at the zoo and he is given three tasks, the first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. Harry starts on this when suddenly a bloody great fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death. Upon doing so he realises that his boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything, so Harry feeds the fish to the lions.



Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clearout the monkey house. Harry gets stuck in and a couple of chimps start throwing shit at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is shitting himself, so what does he do? he feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.



Anyway, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees, as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of bees. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do, you guessed it, feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything.



Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo, it wanders up to another lion and asks whats the food like here? the other lion responds, Absolutely brilliant, today I had fish and chimps with mushy bees!

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?

Well, said the farmer, that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.

Thats amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs? said the man.

Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didnt. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it werent for that pig we would all be dead.

But still, that doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs.

And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was.

Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs? the man said quite annoyed at this point.

Well, said the farmer, with a pig that special…
you have to eat em real slow.

As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.

As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains

the plan:

– First Ill climb up there with the ladder;

– Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;

– As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;

– When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;

– Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo…

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?

Well… explains the experienced gorilla retriever, Its just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat,

Shoot the dog…

I saw this on the deaf joke of the month web page, and they claim it came
from a swedish deaf discussion group.

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the
night before. The first man said, My wife was asleep when I got home, so
I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.

The second deaf man said, Boy youre lucky. My wife was wide awake,
waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell
for being out so late.

The first deaf man asked, So what did you do?

I turned out the light, the second man replied.

Why do dinosaurs have to wear hats?
So their wives know which end to kiss!

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, whod land first?
A: Who cares!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted… and rode off.

How many swedes to you need to change a light bulb?

500. One to hold the light bulb, and 499 to rotate the house.