Old and New Jokes

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. Theyre up in heaven, and Gods sitting on the great white throne.

God addresses Al first. Al, what do you believe in?

Al replies, Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and well all die.

God thinks for a second and says Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.

God then addresses Bill Clinton. Bill, what do you believe in? Bill

Clinton replies, Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples pain. God thinks for a few second and says, Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.

God then address Bill Gates. Bill Gates, what do you believe?

Bill Gates said, I believe youre in my chair.

Two guys are sitting in a bar swapping Newfie jokes. A Newfie comes
in, and, after listening for a bit, contributes one of his own:

How do you get a Newfie girl pregnant?

The two guys are stumped. I dunno.

Gee, and you say Newfies are stupid!

This is a quiz to see if you should be considered a professional smart person by your friends. You can scroll down for answers. There are 4 questions. They are not that difficult.

1)How do you put an elephant into a refridgerator? *

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Answer: Open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door.

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2)How do you put a giraffe into a refridgerator? *

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Answer: Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

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3)The animals are having an animal meeting. All the animals attend except for one. Which one does not attend? *

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Answer:The giraffe. The giraffe is in the refridgerator.

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4)You must cross a crocodile-infested river. How do you manage it? *

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Answer:You swim across. All of the animals are attending the animal meeting.

The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.

The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels over yonder in them hills.

Your mustache is longer than your wifes hair.

1. Youve ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sisters honor.

2. Your wifes hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.

3. You go to your family reunion to pick up women.

4. Your richest relative buys a new house — and you have to help him take the wheels off it.

5. You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment!

6. Your family tree does not fork.

7. Youve ever been too drunk to fish.

8. Youve lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.

9. You helped your cousin move his refrigerator — and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

10. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income!

I wasnt born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?

Ho-Ho-Ho!

Three people were facing the firing squad: Hussein, Bin Laden, and Bush. Hussein was first and just as the squad is about to fire, he screams EARTHQUAKE! the firing squad hides and Hussein runs away. Next, Bin Laden comes along and just as the firing squad is about to fire, he screams TORNADO! the firing squad hides and Bin Laden runs away. Last is Bush and he thinks what to say so he can get away finally he thinks of something and as the firing sqaud is about to fire, Bush screams FIRE!

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldnt get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husbands behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened and said, Why dont you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why dont you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways.The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And at about
midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Harry, Its pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, dont you think?At that, he replied in his inebriated state, I guess we might as well. Ill get in trouble when I get home anyway!

Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?

A: Hes the one with a duck.