Old and New Jokes

Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?

Because they are murmurs of the tied.

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a better lover than you.

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, I want the house. Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, I want the kids too. The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until hes up to 80 mph. She says, I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too. The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, Is there anything you want? The husband says, No, Ive got everything I need right here.

She asks, Whats that?

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph… Ive got the airbag!

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steves body, Bob and Jeff realize theyll have to inform his wife. Bob says hes good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns carrying a six-pack of beer. So did you tell her? asks Jeff.

Yep, replies Bob.

Say, where did you get the six-pack?

She gave it to me.

What? exclaims Jeff. You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?

Sure, Bob says.

Why? asks Jeff.

Well, Bob continues, when she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steves widow. Widow, she said, no, no, youre mistaken. Im not a widow.

So I said, Ill bet you a six-pack you are!

Entra un tipo al consultorio del psiquiatra, mirándolo de arriba abajo:

Doctor, tengo complejo de superioridad.

No se preocupe, amigo, yo lo voy a curar…

¡Pero qué me va a curar usted, inútil!

One afternoon a cute brunette knocked on the door of her blonde neighbor, to chit chat the afternoon away. The blonde answered the door, and said to her brunette friend, Well, you certainly look upset. What happened?

The brunette answered, You bet Im upset! Look what my husband sent me… six dozen roses. You know what that means? Im going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.

Her blonde friend replied, Now thats really silly. Why dont you just use a vase instead?

1) Youve ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sisters honor.
2) Your wifes hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
3) You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
4) Your richest relative buys a new house — and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
5) You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
6) Your family tree does not fork.
7) Youve ever been too drunk to fish.
8) Youve lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
9) You helped your cousin move his refrigerator — and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
10) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to
last nights big date. So, howd it go, Harry? asked Gil.

Terrible, admitted Harry. The moment we got back to her place the phone
started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her
out. It never stopped, and we never got started.

Gil tried to comfort him. It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an
attractive young womans allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isnt
she?

Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages.

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, You cant stay here you have to come with us.

The old man replied, No, God will save me. So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, God will save me. So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, God will save him. So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, Why didnt you save me?

God replied, You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!

To enliven your day, heres a joke told by Watergate-weasel-turned-soul-saver Chuck Colson:

In Northern Ireland, a Catholic priest is driving down the road when he slams into another car rounding a curve.

Out of it steps an Anglican Bishop. They apologize all over themselves and determine that neither is seriously hurt. Shaken, the priest goes back to his car and pulls a flask out of the glove compartment, offering it to the bishop.

I think I will, says the bishop, taking a swig. He offers it back, but the priest declines, saying, Ill think Ill wait until after the police get here.

Having spent half the night discussing involvement vs. commitment (one of my favorite topics when Ive had a couple of glasses of wine and am feeling particularly cranky) with my boyfriend, I was quite amused to see the following saying pop up when I logged in the next morning:

Commitment, n.: Commitment can be best illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.