Old and New Jokes

Stosh and Stan were recently laid off when they decided to rob a bank. They planned for weeks so that everything would go smoothly when the heist took place. Stoshs job was to crack open the safe and detain the manager and Stans job was to grab the money from the safe and the teller windows.

When the robbery took place, Stan gathered up all the money from the tellers but when he got to the safe, it was all tied up and the manager had a strange look on his face.

STOSH! Stan cried out. I said BLOW THE SAFE and TIE UP THE MANAGER.

(For those of non-Polish descent, Stosh and Stan are well known old world Polish names)

A guys car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in.

He asks the man at the counter,

Do you have any rooms available?

The man at the counter says,

Yeah, but dont stick your dick in the 3 holes.

OK. The guy agrees and walks to his room.

A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets curious and sticks his dick in the first hole.

He says,Ahh,that feels good! Then he sticks his dick in the second hole,Ahh,that feels even better! Then he sticks his dick in the third hole,OUCH!!My dick!!

He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody. He was very confused, but he went to sleep.

The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes, but before he could ask anything the man at the counter said, You stuck your dick in the three holes didnt you?

He said, Yeah, how did you know?

The man at the counter said,

Well, my wife is pregnant,my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken.

Ratio of an igloos circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscopeTime between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecondWeight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigramTime it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because its less filling: 1 lite year16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod SerlingHalf of a large intestine: 1 semicolon1000 aches: 1 megahurtzBasic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepowerShortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles365.25 days: 1 unicycle2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 10 cards: 1 decacards1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin10 rations: 1 decoration100 rations: 1 C-ration2 monograms: 1 diagram8 nickels: 2 paradigms2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?

A: A girl.

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.

An oldish nun, in full penguin garb was standing next to a VERY busy wide road wanting to get to the other side, but not standing much of a chance with the traffic passing at high speeds in a continuing stream.

Just then a huge motorcycle driven by a leather jacketted, chain bedecked heavily bearded man comes roaring along. As he passes her he notices the nun, makes an extremely dangerous turn in the road, roars back, parks his bike next to the road, jumps off, dashes into the middle of the road, gesticulates, holds up his hands and manages to stop the traffic. The nun walks across to the other side and our bearded hero gets out of the way letting the traffic resume.

When he gets to his bike, the nun awaits him and thanking him she expresses some surprise at his daringly good manners and concern for her, traits not normally associated with the looks of him and the like.

His response, Hey man, believe me, any friend of Batmans a friend o mine.

Bikers back down from your momma.

You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

A man had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of money.

Another man interested in buying the dog asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog to the woods.

The owner told the dog to go hunt. The dog took off into the woods and came back in a couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the ground four times.

The hunters went into the woods and killed four rabbits and could not find anymore.

The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and could not find any more than four rabbits.

The buyer was impressed and bought the dog. The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was hunching on his leg and scratching the ground and shacking a stick in his mouth.

The guy thought the dog went crazy and shot him. About two weeks later he seen the previous owner and told him what happended.

The owner told him he was trying to tell you there was more fucking rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at.

Three engineers and threeaccountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountantseach buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and youll see,"answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seatsbut all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train hasdeparted, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom doorand says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emergeswith a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy theengineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). Whenthey get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineersdont buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" saysone perplexed accountant. "Watch and youll see," answers an engineer. When theyboard the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers craminto another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of theengineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants arehiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

"Im going fishing."
Really means… "Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a streamwith a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""Its a guy thing."
Really means…. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?"
Really means… "Why isnt it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means… Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response."It would take too long to explain."
Really means… "I have no idea how it works.""Im getting more exercise lately."
Really means… "The batteries in the remote are dead.""Were going to be late."
Really means… "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""Take a break, honey, youre working too hard."
Really means…."I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""Thats interesting, dear."
Really means… "Are you still talking?""Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love."
Really means… "I forgot our anniversary again.""Thats womens work."
Really means… "Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.""You know how bad my memory is."
Really means… "I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal."
Really means… "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.""I do help around the house."
Really means… "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing."
Really means… "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.""I cant find it."
Really means… "It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.""What did I do this time?"
Really means… "What did you catch me doing?""I heard you."
Really means… "I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and Im hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next days yelling at me.""You look terrific."
Really means… "Oh, God, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.""I missed you."
Really means… "I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""Im not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means… "Im lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.""I dont need to read the instructions."
Really means… "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."