Old and New Jokes

You have to duct tape your gloves on.

Youve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

No matter how much you do, youll never do enough.

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the
same?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a childs whispered, Hello?Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?Yes, whispered the small voice.May I talk with him? the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, No.Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, Is your Mommy there?Yes, came the answer.May I talk with her? Again the small voice whispered, no.Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. Is there any one there besides you? the boss asked the child.Yes whispered the child, A policeman.Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss asked, May I speak with the policeman?No, hes busy, whispered the child.Busy doing what?, asked the boss.Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, What is that noise?A hello-copper, answered the whispering voice.What is going on there?, asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, The search team just landed the hello-copperAlarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, Why are they there?Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: Theyre looking for me.

A new employee at a large company walked up to a paper shredder and stood before it looking confused.

Need some help? the senior secretary asked.

Yes, how does this thing work?

Its simple, she said as she took the thick report from her colleagues hand and fed it into the shredder.

See?

I see, he said, but how many copies will it make?

Its really amazing how easy it is to misunderstand a message and sometimes rather embarassing, but funny!

Q: Why do farmers always slap their knee?

A: To get the cow crap off their pants

One day at school, the teacher sees cuts and bruises all over little johnnys body. Worried, she asks him what happened.

He replies: Well, my parents are doing renovations in my room and I sleep with them. Last night, I woke and heard my father asking OK? and mom said OK so I asked OK what? So they got real angry and beat me up.

The next day, the teacher sees new cuts and bruises on little johnnys body so she asks him what happened and tells her the same thing. So she tells him not to say anything should the same thing occur tonight.

Next day at school, little johnny comes to class with a head band on his head and crutches with his face all blue and swollen.

When the teacher asks what happened, he says:

Like you said, last night, when my dad asked OK? and mom said OK, I didnt say anything. After a while, they started moaning and groaning but still, I didnt say a thing until dad asked:

did you come? and mom answered

Yeah, I came and I said

where were you?

You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.

None of your zippers have all their teeth either. 49.You are driving the car you were conceived in.

Youve ever used scissors on food.

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australias legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The ost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

Había un hombre tirado en el piso durmiendo a raíz de tremenda borrachera. De repente pasa un vago de aquellos y, aprovechándose de su condición, se lo coge, pero como recompensa le deja un billete. Al día siguiente, el borracho se despierta y ¡milagro! ve el billete tirado a su lado. Lo toma sin explicarse de donde salió y se va al bar. Cuando llega al bar dice: deme 5 vasos de vino blanco.

Tras otra borrachera se queda otra vez dormido en la calle, vuelve a pasar por ahí el vago y se lo vuelve a coger. El borracho despierta, ve otro billete, va al bar y pide nuevamente 5 vasos de vino blanco. Como era de esperarse, se repite otra vez la historia, y el borrachín amanece por tercera vez con un billete a su lado.

Se dirige al bar y el cantinero en cuanto lo ve llegar le dice: Sí, ya sé, 5 vasos de vino blanco. El borracho le responde: ¡No, esta vez que sea tinto porque el blanco rompe mucho el culo!