Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?

A: Ones a busy ditch.

Yo mama is so fat that she uses the expressway as a slip and slide

[ believed to be original from my officemate Scott Wallace ]

We get hit up by door-to-door salespeople all the time, and they always
seem to miss the Absolutely no solicitors sign on the door. My
officemate put up a new sign:

To solicitors:

Please remove rings, watches, belt buckles, and other metal
objects before entering. Our pit bull has trouble digesting
such items. Thank you for your cooperation.

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

Why was Tigger lickin the toilet?
Cause he was lookin for Pooh!

Una monja va a visitar a un familiar en una ciudad vecina cuando su coche de descompone en plena carretera. Entonces, un chofer de camión se ofrece a llevarla a la ciudad. Después de un rato, el chofer empieza a acariciar los muslos de la monja.

Ella dice solamente: Mateo 1:13.

El chófer retira la mano y sigue conduciendo. Después de un rato trata de nuevo, pero la monja solamente dice: Mateo 1:13.

Finalmente llegan a su destino y la monja baja y el chófer continúa su camino hasta llegar a un hotel donde se hospeda. En la habitación, encuentra una biblia y lee Mateo 1:13 que dice:Estás en el camino correcto.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to
me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead
in the sand. Mommy, what happened to him? the little boy asked. He
died and went to Heaven, I replied. My son thought a moment and then
said, And God threw him back down?

A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, Well, Ive always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger? Done, said the genie and disappeared.



Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his size. Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where hed met the genie.



Problem? inquired the genie. Yes, the man responded, Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish? And what might that be? asked the genie.



Could you make my legs longer?

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they werent going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

Whats logic? asked Bubba.

The professor answered, Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?

I sure do, answered the redneck.

Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replied the professor.

Thats real good, the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.

Impressed, the redneck shouted, AMAZIN!

And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.

Betty Mae! This is incredible!

Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual, said the professor.

Youre absolutely right! Why, thats the most fascinatin thing I ever heard of! I caint wait to take this here logic class.

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

So, what classes are ya takin? he asks.

Math, history and logic, replies Bubba.

Cooter says, What in tarnation is logic?

Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?

No.

Youre a queer, aint ya?