Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the blonde that got fired from the M&M factory? She threw away all the ws

Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Cuando la Madre Teresa de Calcuta muere, San Pedro le informa:

Lo siento, pero se nos han acabado las coronas.

Ya estando ahí, la Madre Teresa decide darse un paseo por el Reino de los Cielos. Horas más tarde vuelve indignada y le reclama a San Pedro:

Perdona, pero acabo de ver a la princesa Diana de Gales con una corona. ¡Y me habías dicho que no quedaban!

¡Qué va, eso es el volante que no se lo hemos podido sacar!

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats the problem?

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, I found my wife in bed with my best friend.



Wow, says the barkeep. What did you do about it? I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out.



That makes sense, remarks the barkeep… And, what about your best friend?



I looked him right in the eye and yelled, **Bad Dog**

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

(Supposedly a true story – then again, arent they all?)

This Certified Flight Instructor and his Student are holding on the runway for
departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops
in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.

Std: What should I do? What should I do?

Inst: What do you think you should do?

(Think-think-think.)

Std: Maybe if I taxi toward him itll scare him away.

Inst: Thats a good idea.

(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.

Std: What should I do? What should I do?

Inst: What do you think you should do?

(Think-think-think.)

Std: Maybe I should tell the tower.

Inst: Thats a good idea.

Std: Cessna XXX, uh, theres a deer down here on the runway.

(Long pause.)

Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate
departure.

(Two seconds, and then – I presume by coincidence – the deer bolts from the
runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence,
departing deer.

It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

Q: what do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?A: udder destruction

A gang-member was holding his eight-month old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured mother.

Our guy gets all excited and hollers to his wife, Hey, the baby just said half a word!

These two <ethnics> were driving home across the desert.. and they
were in need of some fuel.

They pass a sign that says, Free sex with fill-up

Hey man says one <ethnic>, Ive heard of that. Lets try it.

So they stop…

Can I help you?

Yeah, fill er up

(a few minutes later)

Thatll be $18.50 please

Hey, wait a minute, your sign says free sex with fill-up

Oh, why yes it does, but it is conditional.. I am thinking of a
number between one and twenty, what is it?

<first ethnic> Five

<second ethnic> Eight

No, I am sorry gentlemen, it was two, well, better luck next time

The two <ethnics> leave and are a bit perturbed…

Aw man, we were ripped off!

Nah, I dont think so, last week my wife went in there twice and
won both times!!