Old and New Jokes

Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Bengs colourful attire, his mind screamed, Not this man!!

Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!

The words are Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black.

Ah Beng thought for a while and said I heard the phone go green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said Yellow. Blues that? White did you say? Sorry, wrong number. Dont purplely disturb people and dont call Black, ok?

Ah Beng got the job.

[This is a throwaway piece I did for the Wells writers conference.
One of the participants was blocked on a characterization issue, and
stated that theyd lost contact with the characters. -Z]

Topic 1273 [writers]: HELP! I quit my job to become a writer. Whats Next?
#553 of 554: Stephan Zielinski (szielins) Mon Feb 24 97 (21:12) 47 lines

> How did you lose contact with your characters?

Well, what usually happens to me is they move and dont leave a
forwarding address.

Then, when I catch up to them again, they give me this *look*. Since
the last time we worked together, one said to me just the other day,
Ive met a wonderful woman, Ive got a good job, Ive got respect in
my community. When I was working with you, I spent all day poring
over ancient texts in languages I barely knew, and spent all night
running away from zombies. And when it was all done, I had nothing to
show for it but a half-dozen concealed weapons violations to answer
for in the Hall of Justice, and the bill from a therapist who thought
Id hallucinated the whole thing and should probably be
institutionalized.

It wont be zombies this time, I said.

Oh, of course not. I know all about zombies now. Itll be something
else, probably that Ive never heard of. And Ill either lose my
girlfriend, when I start muttering under my breath, or worse shell
believe me and spend two months as a target.

Look, all this is negotiable. Let me introduce you to… hrm… an
ex-KGB emigre? A gun runner, so youll never have to worry about
running out of bullets again. Youll like her, shes a stunning
blonde, eyes as blue as the sea, endearing mole on the back of her
hand…

Come off it. Once we defeat the weresnails or whatever it is youve
got waiting in the wings, were supposed to settle down? Im an
archaeologist, for crying out loud. Shes supposed to give up her
gun-running ring and watch me dust off potshards for the rest of her
life?

Well, you could show her the error of her ways.

Terrific. And what are we going to talk about over the Sunday paper?
My goodness, honey, it sure is terrific being able to spend time with
you without having to make sure Ive got a silver dagger where I can
reach it.

What could I say to convince you?

Im writing erotica now.

A foursome is waiting at the mens tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time, and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it – and hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, I guess all those fricking lessons I took this winter, didnt help. One of the men immediately replies, Now, you see, thats your problem….. You should have taken golf lessons instead.

In PC World, how does a chicken cross the road?

NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like … chicken.
Microsoft Chicken (TM):
Its already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
OOP Chicken:
It doesnt need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road …
C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldnt have to cross the road, youd simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)
Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken:
Cant cluck, cant fly, and cant lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!
Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you dont dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.
Lotus Chicken:
Dont you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so theres no way to tell it to.

[author unknown]

There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She called the fire department and asked them to come put it out.

When they asked how to get to her house, and she rolled her eyes and said… Duh, use the big red truck!

The AOL Car



1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.



2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.



3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.



4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.



5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim its the NEW model.



6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just lock-up for no apparent reason.



7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lotsa pretty colors and lights.



8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.



9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.



10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.



11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.



12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.



13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.



14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.



15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.



16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.



17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?



18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.



19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.



20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.



21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, Good-Bye.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for Termination without Cause. Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:



Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?



Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.



What sort of trouble?



Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away



Went away?



They disappeared.



Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?



Nothing.



Nothing?



Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.



Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?



How do I tell?



Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?



Whats a sea-prompt?



Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?



There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.



Does your monitor have a power indicator?



Whats a monitor?



Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?



I dont know.



Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?



Yes, I think so.



Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.



…….Yes, it is.



When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?



No.



Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.



……. Okay, here it is.



Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.



I cant reach.



Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?



No.



Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?



Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle – its because its dark.



Dark?



Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.



Well, turn on the office light then.



I cant.



No? Why not?



Because theres a power outage.



A power… A power outage? Aha, Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?



Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.



Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.



Really? Is it that bad?



Yes, Im afraid it is.



Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?



Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer.

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun. The man took the gun, hesitated, and said Sorry, I cant do it.

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun. The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. Sorry, he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun. The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!

Little Jane was sitting in her red wagon with her dads fireman hat on, and her father walked by and said man that sure is a fine fire engine you have there.. all you need is a hose, a siren and a motor, and it would be perfect.

The next day her father walks by her again and now she has her hose strapped to the side, a dog tied to the front, and a cat tied to the back.

He says, Wow! That really looks like a fire engine now, but I think you were also suppose to tie the cat in the front and she says Then how would I have a siren?

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president. He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."