Old and New Jokes

Every year the US FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes including Murder/Homicide. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit publishes its Top 20 Homicides of the Year.

Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husbands strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged bout of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 of the vibrator into Alexs anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldnt have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. She was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didnt realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a prompt kick in the chest and then 4 shots from a double barrelled shot gun Carlas (the girlfriend) father had given to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years (yes, 8 years). The landlord Kirk Weston clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her 1-year-old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her.

Megan Fri, 44 years old, is killed by 14 State troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing the troopers all walking slow down the street Megan had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. She just looked like a very real looking target. one of the toppers stated in his report.

Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a Hit Man hired by her ex-boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The Hit Man was promised $500,000 for the task. The Hit Man also killed the boyfriend after he found out that a 16 year old high school student, whose father was in jail for rape, and mother worked as an ironing lady, didnt have access to $500,000.

Louis Zaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. Lee Zaragoza had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had cut the brakes on his car 4 times previously. On this attempt Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her, grabbed her and spun her around. As he did, she lost her footing and stumbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventricle of the heart, killing him instantly.

Mummod Foli was killed by an unknown member of the Russian Mafia after he accidentally took away the gangsters drink too soon as the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset he forced the waiter to drink over 27 liters of Coca Cola (the drink he had taken away) until Mummod drowned.

Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

Helena Simms, wife of famous American nuclear scientist,Harold Simms, was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helenas eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of Radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never went to a doctor or hospital for a check up.

Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4) the Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. Several persons, some up to 14 kilometers away, witnessed the explosion. No traces of the car or the victim were ever found, only a crater 55 meters deep and 500 meters of missing road.

Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didnt know that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a Vengeance as inspiration, drugged his boyfriend Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God loves the KKK on the other side. Lewis then drove the victim to down town Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

Jay Newton was killed after a co-worker at Sea World Florida dropped a 20 ton killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a Master Ton Crane. When the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness his colleague, Brian Hartley released the whale, crushing the victim instantly (and emptying 1/4 of the water from the pool).

Carl Densinter, 34 years old, was killed by a fellow worker trying to prove a point. The worker, San Amote Pet, disconnected the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane. The planes gear automatically retracted after take off, but come landing time they wouldnt deploy. The helpless Densinter could not do a thing as the plane ran out of fuel, in an attempt at an emergency landing the 747 exploded. Densinter was killed instantly

Mary Dridely, Joseph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as they walked past a New York apartment building. David Smee, 7 years old, and his 6 year old sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents as they went to the hotels gaming room. Bored, the kids thought it might be fun to try and squish the ant looking things on the foot path below. They started by throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs, televisions, even the drawers from the bedroom dresser.

Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her Zookeeper boyfriend Matthew Kellaway after she refused sex. He invited her to the zoo to the see the lions feeding. She accepted and he then led her into a room that had a large slide away panel. He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch the lions devour their prey. He ducked out for a quick smoke and locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened to reveal many persons starring at her; she was just about to yell and tell them that they were on the wrong side of the glass when she realized that it was she who was on the wrong side. Another panel opened and 3 hungry lions were let into the pen. Gail survived for 2 days in hospital before dying of massive internal injuries.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground,she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. Were three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still wont light up?

Blonde: No, its working fine.

Operator: Then whats the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

I used up all my sick days, so Im calling in dead.

Note: this is a really long joke, so all of you with the tiny attention spans might as well skip thisThere once were two sisters, a blond and a redhead.
Their great uncle died, and they inherited the farm. To add to the misfortune of the loss of their uncle, the farm was in bad shape, and the girls were broke. All they had with the farm was a cow and $700 dollars.
In order to get more cows, the girls decided to get a bull with the money. The plan was for the redhead to catch a ride with the blonde and get dropped off while the blonde went off to work at the farm. Then, the redhead would telegraph her and get her to drive over and pick up the bull since it was so heavy and, being new, untamed.
When the redhead arrived, she found a great bull on sale for $699, so she got it, leaving her with only a dollar left.
When she went over to the telegrapher and asked to sent a one-word telegraph (each word was a dollar, you see.), the man asked her what word to send.
After long consideration, she decided to send the word comfortable.
When asked why, she responded,shes a blond, shell read it slowly.

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erodeyour stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is themost dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, Wedding cake.

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligans Island theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan. Run with me on this one…. Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called MacGyver.) For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Mary Ann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Gingers glamour. (As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the professor and Mary Ann were voted the most likely couple to have done it on the island.) And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasnt boredom, my friends. What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr. Howell gets my vote for GREED. We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs. Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here. Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack during her many years on the island and everybody knows it. This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins. So here we have the

Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Less and less all the time.

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until youre blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, youll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. Youve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, Fuck you!

5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Why wont [ethnic] ballerinas ever do the splits?

They always get stuck to the floor.