Old and New Jokes

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I dont know where I am.

The woman below replied, You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

You must be an engineer, said the balloonist.

I am, replied the woman. How did you know?

Well, answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, youve not been much help so far.

The woman below responded, You must be in management.

I am, replied the balloonist, but how did you know?

Well, said the woman, you dont know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, its my fault!

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more. On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math — do the nuns punish you?” The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!”

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sicily!
Sicily who?
Sicily question!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the ministers embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches … and for the spirit in which they were given!

Un avión cruzaba el desierto del Sahara, con una monja, un sacerdote y un camello. De repente el avión falla y tienen que hacer un aterrizaje forzoso en medio del desierto. Sobreviven la monja, el sacerdote y el camello. Los dos primeros se ponen a recoger provisiones y se suben al camello, miran para todos lados y sólo ven un mar de arena, así que deciden trotar hacia el poniente.

Después de 10 horas de viaje en un calor insoportable y sin agua el camello muere. El sacerdote y la monja se sientan sobre el camello muerto y comienzan su diálogo:

Oiga hermana, creo que ahora sí moriremos en el desierto.

¡Así es!

¿Qué es lo que le hubiera gustado hacer antes de morir?

¡Pues ver a un hombre desnudo! ¿Y a usted?

¡Mmmm! Pues ver a una mujer desnuda.

Hubo Silencio, mucho silencio.

¿Oiga hermana y si vamos a morir por qué no cumplimos nuestro deseo y nos quitamos ambos la ropa?

¡Está bien!

¿Oiga hermana qué es eso? ¿Qué tiene usted entre las piernas?

¡Es una tarántula muerta! ¿Y qué es eso, que cada vez se pone más grande y duro?

¡Esto es un instrumento que sirve para revivir animales muertos!

En eso se levanta el camello diciendo: ¡Si yo nada más me estaba haciendo el muerto. Súbanse y seguimos…!

Otto y Fritz eran excelentes amigos. Un día, Otto se va de viaje, y Fritz le envía una carta informándole:

Otto, tu gato ha muerto.

Otto, dolorido, le reclama con otra carta:

Fritz eres un desconsiderado, ¿cómo se te ocurre mandarme una carta diciéndome tan fríamente que mi gato ha muerto? Tienes que ir preparándome, poco a poco, diciéndome, por ejemplo: Otto, tu gato se ha perdido; Otto, tu gato se subió al tejado.

Transcurridos varios días, Otto recibe otra carta de Fritz:

Otto, tu abuelita se subió al tejado; Otto, tu abuelita se perdió.

If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel,
youre probably heading the wrong way.

Two British sailors attended a church service in Stockholm. Not speaking a word of Swedish and not wishing to appear out of place they sat behind an important looking man and when he stood up or knelt down, they did the same.

At the end of the service, the pastor made what was evidently an announcement, whereupon the man in front of the sailors rose to his feet, and they did likewise – to a roar of laughter from the congregation.

As the sailors left the church, the pastor spoke to them in English, so they asked him the reason for the laughter.

Oh! he said, I mentioned that next Sunday morning there was to be a baptism and would the father of the child please stand up.

So here I sit, in all my glory…
Lend me an ear, and Ill tell ya a story…
Once had a wife–she was such a dear,
Then came AOL, and it all disappeared!Now there she sits, for hours on end…
dont care where Im goin, dont care where Ive been.
It could be two, or it could be nine…
she really doesnt care, long as shes online.She gets off of work and rushes home,
She comes in screaming at me, Get off the phone!
Where the hells my hug? Where is my kiss?
But shes at the computer–thats all she missed!Talking to buddies, checking the mail
All her priorities–Im in cyber Hell!!
My stomachs growling–its so unfair!
No clean dishes and Im out of underwear!Drink me a beer, stare at the walls
Ill pick at my teeth while Im scratching my balls
Farting and burping all while I pee
Can you believe shes there?? She could be with ME!!