Old and New Jokes

Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control!

Yo mama so fat that when she walks in the front door she starts walking out the back.

An old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway. A police officer drove alongside her car and yelled, Pull over!

The lady yelled back, No – mittens!

A little girl asked her mother, Can I go outside and play with the boys?

Her mother replied, No, you cant play with the boys, theyre too rough!

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this persons life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now Im free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now Im free — Give back my glove!!

Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio

El duque de Windsor es invitado a tomar té al palacio de la condesa de York. Al llegar, Perkins, el mayordomo, le abre la puerta y le ayuda a quitarse el abrigo y lo lleva a guardar.

Buenas tardes, condesa. Es un verdadero placer verla. Cada día usted más hermosa.

Buenas tardes, duque. Usted siempre tan caballero. Es para mí un honor que haya aceptado mi invitación.

Por favor, no podría ser de otra manera, el honor es mío.

Cuando estaban tomando el té, junto a unas amigas, la condesa propone jugar a las adivinanzas. Todos están de acuerdo y comienzan las mujeres, teniendo que adivinar el duque.

Bueno, ¿sobre qué le preguntamos?, pregunta la dueña del castillo.

Ya sé, sobre la yegua negra de la condesa, dice una amiga.

A ver, duque, adivine: es negra y suave, pero cuando se le toca mucho se para y se vuelve brava y salvaje.

¡Una pinga!, responde rápidamente el noble.

¡Oh, es usted un mal educado! ¡Cómo se le ocurre!, se ofenden las amigas.

¡Perkins, por favor, traiga el abrigo del duque porque se retira!, grita la aristócrata mujer indignada.

¡Oh, no, discúlpeme! No sé qué me pasó. ¡Por favor, damas, denme otra oportunidad!, suplica el caballero agarrándose la cabeza.

Bueno, por esta vez lo disculparemos, pero que no se repita.

Las mujeres vuelven a debatir y deciden preguntar por una collette para el pelo.

Duque, aquí va la nueva adivinanza: es redonda, entra hasta llegar al tope y les encanta a las mujeres. ¿Qué es?

¡Una pinga!

¡Oh, esto es terrible, no lo podemos creer! ¡Es inadmisible, imperdonable! ¡Perkins, traiga el abrigo del duque que se retira!, grita nuevamente la condesa.

¡No, por favor, disculpen mi mala educación!. Seguramente se debe al largo viaje. Nunca antes me pasó algo así. Pido disculpas a las damas presentes y juro no se volverá a repetir.

¡Será la última vez que soportemos una grosería semejante!, responde la condesa muy seria.

Nuevamente se reúnen para decidir cuál será la palabra que deberá adivinar el duque y eligen una galleta en una taza de leche.

Duque, ésta es su última oportunidad: entra dura y desafiante; sale blanda y chorreando leche. ¿Qué es?

¡Perkins, tráigame el abrigo, eso si es una pinga, aquí y donde sea!, responde el duque.

Jury: A collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding which side has hired the better lawyer.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husbands behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, Why dont you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why dont you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, Its pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, dont you think?

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, I guess we might as well. Ill be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!