Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cheese!
Cheese who?
Cheese a cute girl!

Screen – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

What does a red-neck say before he/she dies?

(in red-neck grammer): Hey yall watch this!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wynette!
Wynette who?
Wynette let me in?

You wont beleive this. Its a true story. Ahem: About a year ago I was at Science Class and sitting beside my buddy Chad. We were in this huge science lab, and were waiting for our assighnment Mr.Hall wlked in, and wrote on the marker board. All students will be required to wear theyre goggles and an apron. Pair up with a partner and you will each be given a series of chemicals. make predictions about what you think they are. Look, touch,(with gloves)and write down observations. Next, heat the chemical you observed, and describe what happens. Do not over heat bunsen burner! Record observations in science journal, and wait for further directions.

Chad and I put on our gear and grabbed our chemicals. I tested a few, but came up on one that I couldnt figure out. Chad on the other hand, was doing fine with his half.



What do you think this is? Dunno Chad replied, he lit the burner. I observed the liquid. it was clear, and looked like water.



I poured a little out and touched it. It was cold. Chad. Im going to taste this I know its water. Chad turned towards me. What? You pussey! You cant do that! You dont know what that is! It has to be water! Dont take any chances! Chad replied. I looked at my chemical carefully. I was convinced it was water. So I began to put it to my lips when, chad knocked over his burner, and the chemical fell into the floor! His apron caught fire, and he yelled at the top of his lungs. Everyone screamed! Chad ripped off his apron and through it onto a table. But the table was covered with paper! It began getting larger. Still convinced that the chemical was H2O I picked up the glass and threw it on the fire. Unfortunantly, I found out later that the chemical was actually Gasoline!! The fire raged as the fire engulfed the two tables nearest to it!! Evreyone out!!!! Mr.hall and my classmates ran out the door as Mr.hall grabbed a fire extinguisher in the hall and ran into the room. After about two minutes, Mr.hall came out, and yelled Who is responsible for this?!! Everyone pointed to Chad and me. We looked at each other, and then at Mr.Hall. You two!!! To the Mr.Simpsons office!!! Now!!!



Chad and I spent the rest of the school year suspended and in detention. We never neared a fire without caution again.





The moral: Look before you leap (Because youll fall, oh yeah, youll fall.)

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "Im drowning, you moron!"

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the
guy says to the girl, If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your
clothes? She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes
off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are
trapped in the car. Go get help, he pleads.

She replies, I cant, Im naked.

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says Cover yourself with that
and go get help. She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas
station down the road.

When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, Help! Help!
My boyfriends stuck!

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, Im sorry
Miss. Hes too far in.

Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?

Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, What other problem can there be greater than this one?

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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: Its very kind of you, darling, but I dont have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well, thats because we arent married yet!

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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddys lap!

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Wife to husband: Whats your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?

Husband to wife: Golfing with friends, my dear.

Wife to husband: What? At 2 a.m.?!

Husband to wife: Yes, We used night clubs.

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A newly married man asked his wife, Would you have married me if my father hadnt left me a fortune?

Honey, the woman replied sweetly, Id have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!

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Father to son after exam: Let me see your report card.

Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

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How was your blind date? a college student asked her roommate.

Terrible! the roommate answered. He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce.

Wow! Thats a very expensive car. Whats so bad about that?

He was the original owner!

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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: Returned un-opened.

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A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word beans.

My father grows beans, said one student.

My father cooks beans, said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: We are all human beans.

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Teacher : Lets take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens ?

Little Johnny : He gets stepped on.

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Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?

Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.

Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?

Millionaire: A Billionaire!

Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college,
he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance
approached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, Well, Im no
John D. Rockefeller, but Ill buy.

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said,
Im no Fred Astaire, but Ill give it a whirl.

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. Im no Cary Grant, replied
Dudley, but Ill follow you up there.

They leave and go to the ladys apartment. They have another drink, then do
what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.

Afterward, the lady says, What about some money?

Dudley shot back, Well, Im no gigolo, but Ill take it!