Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If its the flu, youll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a babys sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause youre fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.
A: So whats your question?
Q: Whats the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant womans husband knows whats good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out youre pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.