Old and New Jokes

How does an older woman keep her youth?

By giving him money!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.

While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.

The Pope asked, What is your sin?

I hired people to break into the Watergate hotel.

The Pope replied, Kneel down. Ill bless you and grant you absolution.

Next in line was Bill Clinton. What was your sin, son?

I cheated on my wife. The Philanderer in Chief replied.

Kneel down, my son. Ill bless you and grant you absolution.

A third person came up and the Pope asked, What is your name?

Monica Lewinsky. The Pope stroked his chin. Hmmmm….. Perhaps you should remain standing.

THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES



1. Word processors never display a cursor.



2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.



3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.



4. All monitors display inch-high letters.



5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.



6. Those that dont have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.



7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, ACCESS THE SECRET FILES on any near-by keyboard.



8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. (See Fortress.)



9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villains desktop computer even if its turned off.



10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesnt go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)



11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.



12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.



13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.



14. You may bypass PERMISSION DENIED message by using the OVERRIDE function. (See Demolition Man.)



15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.



16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.



17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.



18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See Clear and Present Danger).



19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.



20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See Independence Day.)



21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.



22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See Aliens.)



23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the SELF-DESTRUCT button.



24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.



25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.



26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See Alien or 2001.)



27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See Mission Impossible, Tom Cruise searches with keywords like file and computer and 3 results are returned.)

Why are dumb blonde jokes only one liners?

So men can understand them!

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

Youve got to have a room somewhere, he pleaded. Or just a bed, I dont care where.

Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy, admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.

No problem, the tired Marine assured him. Ill take it.

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Howd you sleep? Asked the manager.

Never better.

The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?

Nope, I shut him up in no time. Said the Marine.

Howd you manage that? asked the manager.

He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, the Marine explained. I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me.

Ratings for Ricki Lake reach all-time high.
Its past noon and STILL no sight of the school bus.
Tuba sales plummetting.
Flashers relocate from schoolyards to playgrounds.
Gang violence back on the streets where it belongs.
Metal detectors moved from school entrance to mall entrance.
X-rated theaters packed with restless crossing guards.
Massive layoffs again in the Number 2 Pencil industry.
Increase in FULLHOUSE-LIST messages from teenyboppers who obviously dont understand Bob Sagets comic genius!
Refuses stunt double for steamy love scene with Brad Pitt – Oops, thats a sign that Keanu Reeves is out!
Every morning when you go out to check your bear traps, you gotta release a half-dozen kids.
Clown-head voice is two octaves higher when blaring Uh, you want fries with that?
You keep bumping into Woody Allen and his sweetie.
All the best kickball players joining professional teams.

and Top5s Number 1 Sign School is Out …

Normally dormant Alice Cooper heads for Vegas again with that new royalty check.

[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life

Entra un borracho a un confesionario, donde ya estaba el cura sentado del otro lado.

Pasan 5 minutos y no hay sonido. El padre tose un poco para ver si el del otro lado del confesionario reacciona, pero nada.

Pasan otros 5 minutos y el padre vuelve a toser, pero igual nada.

Tras otros 10 minutos el padre se desespera y le toca con fuerza en la pared del confesionario; entonces el borracho agitadamente dice:

¡Oiga ya cálmese! ¡De este lado tampoco hay papel de baño!